("Degene die door het Dal gegaan is....")
("Derjenige der durch das Tal gegangen ist....")
("The one who went
through the Valley.....")
is better than
"Realization" without Compassion
To empower each other, read:
The Great Turning Point
Spirituality and Religion
My Great Experiences
The Threefold Cosmic Realization
(Dimeter) and Thrice Born (Trigonos)"
I have been born into the world in 1942 with the help
of a cesarean. The first two years were paradise to me. As the eldest son I enjoyed my
parents' unlimited love. War circumstances darkened my life. I mourned over my lost
happiness. Hence, I turned within and very early became "a boy with a special
depth", something that contributed to the development of my character: inner life, a
highly developed feeling ability, sense for justice, admiration for heroism and adventure,
great love for nature and compassion to others. My mother put considerable pressure on
"religiosity". I very soon realized its superficiality, though, made me say
goodby to Christianity at the age of 13. The most important thing, however, was the sense
of an "inner treasure". Something in me was "bigger than myself" and I
had to protect this. Later, so I knew, this would become the foundation of a life mission.
His Meditation Experiences
After a long atheist period and under pressure of a
(very) problematic marriage - after university I had become a MD, a pioneer in holistic
medicine - I got the advice to travel to Karlfried Graf Dürckheim (German Zen Master) in
order "to learn sitting". This to recover from my burn-out. From the very
beginning Zazen had a wonderful effect on me. After a few days I had found my inner
watching, which liberated me from my thinking. I was "here" and my thoughts were
"there", in front of me. It was the first step toward a New Identity: my True
Self. Very soon there were moments without any thoughts whatsoever, with only a clear
empty awareness left. Two important steps on the spiritual Path were already behind me:
the discovery of my Real Self together with the free flowing of my thinking. In the years
after I sat every day half an hour up to five times a day. The empty thought-free moments
Believe it or not. It all started with a wise old man,
who came to my consultation hour. Instead of asking help, he said he came to bring me an
important message. In short, what he said was nothing less, than that my life would fulfil
the centuries' old Parcival prophecy, leaving me behind in total disbelief*. See: "Autobiography"
* NB. Critical readers will suspect, that
above mentioned believes to be a "re-incarnation of Parcival". We can assure
you, that this never has come to his mind. In fact, his insights about
"re-incarnation" are different, emphasizing Emptiness containing many
forms....and not just one.
In the beginning I had a dream. It was the dream that made a very
deep impression on me. I was driving in the car somewhere in the countryside. At the first
crossing it was actually quite clear to me in which direction I should proceed. A voice
inside of me, however, said: "come on, there is no rush, you can still go that way,
why not take a right turn?" I was weak and gave in. After some time the same
situation occurred. Once again there was the deep sense of which way to go and again I
simply brushed it aside. In the end I had lost all sense of the right direction.
At that instant I happened to enter the market place
of a small town. It was medieval with cobblestone streets and gabled house fronts
surrounding it. The market place formed a tight circle with not a single street leading on
to it. There was no way out. A feeling of constraint and being
hemmed in came over me and I went in search of an exit.
On my far left I soon
discovered a dark concave shape which, on closer look, turned out to be a dark tunnel. On
the right side of the entrance stood a man dressed
like a jester with a fools cap on his head and a cane in his hand. In spite of a
feeling of uneasiness I carefully drove past him and entered the tunnel. It was gloomy and
dark in there with just enough light to see where I was going.
A shape suddenly loomed up on the left and I slowed down so as to
see who it was and avoid driving into it. It was a woman passing my car from the opposite
side, which she just managed to do because of the little space available between herself
and my car. The last glimpse of her told me that she was pregnant.
As I drove on, a pinpoint of light became visible in
the distance, which grew larger and larger as I approached. A profound feeling of relief
came over me coupled with a deep sense of joy. All tension now left me. I
knew without a doubt that I would arrive at this light.
It was not long before a gate of dear light came
into view. I was filled with intense joy. A moment later I passed through the arch and
entered a golden field of waving cereal, which seemed to be limitless. Above it, as the source of all the light and gold, shone a brilliant sun. The
wealth that met my eyes was indescribable. It was a state of unbelievable beauty,
surprise, enchantment and joy. Even more so, because I sensed myself
a part of it all. It was as if I, too, had changed into light and gold. I had reached my homeland.
of the Grail
St.John's Wort, Menorha, Chalice
Because of the length of the page, I have put this
text elswhere. Please, click "Vision of the
It was during an exercise, that I most profoundly
experienced my femininity. While deeply breathing, a primal energy slowly took charge of
my body. Each and every cell became filled with a deep erotic force.
Everything was held in it, nothing left behind. An unbelievable fullness came over me, a
fullness that bit by bit spread through me. It was most noticeable in the nipples and
groins. My breasts were suffused with profound delight an inexhaustible source of
love - and an intense rush of warmth flew to all directions. My loving heart had opened
completely: I nurtured the entire universe. There was no end to the intensity of erotic
At the same time my groins became imbued in the same
primal energy, an energy that made my pelvis move slowly and ever so subtly. The energy
came from within; never before had I felt my genital area more profoundly and with such
intense bliss. I felt every fiber, every stage of movement. It was a
movement through which I experienced myself as having a glorious vulva. I had never been
more open! It was the bliss of an entirely receptive submission, a force that entered me
and subsequently spread upward filling me with boundless energy. I had become part of a
cosmic rhythm. And yet I was in no way overwhelmed by it. In quiet ecstasy I remained
perfectly clear and in open contact with my surroundings. I was able to very consciously
experience everything in the here and now. Nevertheless, the energy had completely taken
possession of me without any additional action on my part whatsoever.
I was very much aware of the fact that this was
primal femininity. The deepest possible erotic feminine energy had opened up in me and had
become an actuality. I therefore know that apart from my masculinity I am completely
feminine as well, and that I am able to experience it more profoundly than a great many
women may ever have. And whats more, it was in no way related to my manhood. No male
energy had caused it, no male fantasy or male erotic reaction had been involved. It all
came forth of itself, of the deep origin of the Self. Hence, on a higher energy level
every man is completely feminine and vice versa. Truly a miracle.
The Supreme Tantra
Tantra isn't "the path towards ecstasy". It isn't like
many trendy brochures, courses and trainings would like you to believe. Rather than having
your energy raised, it is the complete opposite of it. A long time ago the following
happened. Totally unexpected and unforeseen. In some way or other I was very open, relaxed
and clear. She who was with me seemed to be in a similar state. A joint experiencing of
inner quietude, a great deal of attention for one another and a great intensity. In each
other and with minimal movements the excitement increased, the state of relaxation only
deepened and deepened and like a river the emotion ran into an ocean of peace,
continuously expanding it further. The more excited I was the more transparent the inner
Space - Consciousness - became. The flow of energy causing an ever deepening inner
peace! Rather than "climbing the mountain", I more and more became a
valley. Expansion had replaced the common contraction mechanism. Consciousness was
widening until it suddenly turned into a state of ecstatic silence, a Valley of
Eternal Calm, an orgasm - implosion - such as I had never experienced before. It was a
state of being omnipresent, a Void, one into which I had completely blended and dissolved.
A limitless and timeless state of Empty Peaceful Stability - Tantra - which went on for
many hours..... No thoughts, no emotions, no me, no desires and no bliss. I had opened up
to a paradise, which had been there all along. I was beside myself with joy. Existence had
lifted a tip of her veil and had made me a part of her deepest mystery. Ergo: after
having read this I hope you start longing for the Real Tantra!
It started as I read one of his* books. A few sentences were enough.
His words struck me to the depth of my heart, followed by an outburst of joy: this was
what I was searching for. This was the one who would reveal the Way, Truth and Life to me.
With him I would begin my journey. My inner fire burned everything into ashes. Nobody
could stop me. I had to be near to him. So I went to India. There my surrender was total.
My love, my greatest love ever, being so intense, that I was lifted up to a totally new
inner reality. My inner clarity, which had been trained in the years before in daily
meditations expanded to great awareness. In a very short ime the Teacher's presence
brought me to the boundaries of the Great Unknown, especially after he had stared
"through me" for an "eternity". I realized not to have any resistence.
My Being was utterly empty! Next day, suddenly, the Transcendence! Just One Space in
which he as well as I disappeared completely. I am The One Mind containing everything. The
Transmission had taken place.
* Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh
I did not identify myself with him at all. Neither his words nor his
meditations were really important to me. There was no need to become a disciple. So I did
NOT become a "sannyasin". Everything that followed was without any
ambition/doing of myself. After the Threefold Realization I realized the Teacher's shadow
part: how he used his Enlightenment to glorify himself. Enlightenment being exploited by
his (huge) ego! It caused me trouble to understand how this was possible. Eventually I
understood. Even after Enlightenment the ego returns. If you don't actively integrate it
into your New Identity, then the ego will start using Enlightenment for its own purposes.
I spent around 20 years - a period called in Christian mysticism "Dark Night of the
Soul" - in order to make the ego a servant to the Whole. In fact, the Teacher's
failure has helped me not to make the same mistake!
Revelation of the Great Mother
Essence of the Great Mother
India, October 7th, 1977
It happened in that garden. I found myself in an
extraordinary condition, which had been going on already for some days. It was a state of
being lifted out above ordinary things. People and events did not have the usual appeal
anymore. The pattern of acting and reacting had become irrelevant. Something special was
happening to me. I was totally overflowing with it. Thoughts had lost their grip on me.
My body and its environment were very much alive and
I was experiencing an extraordinary contact with them. Paralleling a spontaneous growth of
increased inner clarity, my body gradually became lighter and more transparent. It first
started in the feet. There the energy was cleared away like a blanket of fog, leaving
behind a bright transparency. While the pureness rose up, any heaviness simultaneously
disappeared out of my body till finally my head was filled with a crystal clear clarity.
(Note: all this did not happen in my imagination. This is more real than reality.) A
circle of energy remained on the crown of my skull.
This circle appeared to be the centre of my actual
alertness. I, as well as my surroundings was perceived from here. However, very little was
left of myself. Neither the body nor thoughts were able to influence my inner awareness.
It was the very quality of Self, enjoying Itself blissfully. I realized that I had found
myself in the margin of my actual existence; just one fraction away from the Great
Unknown. Intuitively I realized the invitation to the great leap and the consequential
necessity of utter surrender.
Suddenly, I was struck by a terrible (supranatural!)
Lightning* and in less than a fraction of a second my existence was wiped out. It was a
moment of Absolute Darkness. As my memory has failed to reproduce it - in that Moment
there wasn't any memory - the duration of this terrible moment was unknown to me, so
I have no idea how long this extraordinary moment has lasted. But I know it was the
Dimension of Absolute Nothingness.
* In esoteric Christianity symbolized by the
This Lightning as a "tool" of
Absolute Nothingness is the complete destruction of consciousness by the Vacuum or Cosmic
Mother. Because my consciousness was entirely concentrated in/on the crown of the
skull, utterly pure with no obstacles of the mind in between, suddenly there was direct
contact between the Vacuum and my very dense Being. This ignited the Lightening. Compare
the latter with the big bang: an ontogenetic reflection of the phylogenetic Cosmic Event.*
For one split second Absolute Vacuum destroyed my whole existence. Very few people
"experience" this. That's why the MotherGoddess Isis says "no one will ever
raise my veil". That it happened to me can interpreted in such a way, that
(wo)mankind is in a very crucial stage of evolution. Therefore "the Mother had no
choice", but revealing Herself directly. Because (wo)mankind has corrupted God, only
the Dimension beyond God can still save us. See also: "Commentary"
* See: "Universal
Creation Body of the Great Mother
Dissolved into the Eternal Light
That which immediately followed transcends all
attempts of description. A very alive, brightly transparent Clarity appeared to be the
Only Reality. I was totally absorbed by and dissolved into this Utmost Purity. I Am That,
the Eternal Light. Everything else had disappeared into It. Not a trace of my common self
had survived. It was Eternity Itself that realized Itself. The whole "outer"
world radiated and was exalted and totally transformed. Everything was pervaded by Divine
Bliss and incorporated into a fresh, pure and ecstatic Light. It was unwavering and
expressed life in its sublimest quality. Everything was dancing. The Eternity Which I Am
is timeless and without boundaries. All was joy, benediction, a celebration of unity, the
Inexpressible and the dance. As I was possessed by a divine intoxication, I laughed
continuously for no reason.
The Oneness THAT I AM including everything
"around me" lasted all day. Everything had lost its separate identity, just like
me being non-existent, instead possessing eternal quality: the grass, the flowers and the
birds. Nothing existed on its own. Nothing fell apart. Without any exception, everything
was part of the Whole, everything interconnected, the fabric of life. Absorbed by the same
Suchness, everything radiated THAT! Everything being the content of the Eternal, there was
not any difference between me, the grass, the flowers and the birds.Their Essence and mine
were absolutely identical. I realized I was no better or even different from them. Since
then I have known Reality to be the Essence of the interdependence of all things in which
everything is equally unique.
In the Purity of the Beyond
everything had disappeared. No memory, since the ego dissolved, just knowing, IT
knowing ITself. There is no outside" anymore,
everything has become absorbed - without leaving a trace - by the Ultimate. Everything
appears to be IN YOU, the entire universe is the content of (your") Infinite
Space. Therefore the paradox is, that by being Nothing, you are everything. Hence, the
Ultimate Nondual State is that of inclusiveness. The last delusion is, that the world is
somewhere out there (...). Dividing the One into here" and the world
there" is yet another (subtle) form of dualism. The logic is this: the more
"your" Consciousness is open, the more there is in. Hence, I am - and everybody
Is - the One Mind, the all-Embracing One containing everything. In the Ultimate State
Emptiness is form", without any dualism left, beyond any attainment, free even
from freedom, a State which is natural, transparent, spontaneous, nothing special. Because
everything being part of Me, I love everything like myself.
Immediately after my Annihilation I was One
with the Eternal Light, the infinite and timeless Dimension, which we call the Divine or
God. Its Reality is overwhelming e.g. innumerable times more real than anything
"worldly". It is utterly otherworldly, all connection with one's former self
together with one's surroundings have disappeared. Its main characteristic is its
transparency. The Oneness into one has dissolved, is Omni-present, everywhere, full and
empty at the same time. (In Dutch "Vol-Ledigheid"). This being lifted above all
and everything causes heavenly joy. Somehow "one" realizes "this is my
(eternal) Home". Actually there is no "me" to realize anything. So, what
"one percieves" is perceived by the inherent intelligence of the Cosmos. You are
THAT. This "impersonal", transcendental Dimension in its turn is including
everything. The whole world is content of its infinite Space. Translated to physics, it
means, that the first Dimension emanating out of the Cosmic Vacuum (see above) is the
invisible Divine Light. This Light is the birth chamber of the universe. It is very well
possible that its first expression is the so-called virtual Higgs Field. It could be the
explanation for its rare! stability. The Higgs Field in its turn "gives birth"
to virtual waves, subsequently turning into virtual particles and matter.
with a horrible blow
it put a stop to me
switched on I am
to an unknown substance
the inexpressible Light
unprecedented and incredible ecstasy
lifted up in a totally
different World I am no more
dissolved in That
everything is part of
the selfsame Divine Fluidum
there are no walls
life exists in absolute
suddenly I was crushed
with limitless awe
the dance of Light is everywhere
imbued in superwordly revelation
earth, flowers, people, things
everything bathes in clear-bright ecstasy
joy and tears
I now know that It continuously Is
resting in Itself It is waiting for me
any moment it can happen again
It spoke to me with
the voice of its Silence
I tasted the fluidum of
Its nectar-sweet Power
with Its touch it woke me up
with its Light Rain
It anointed my "skin"
fragrance of heavenly fresh ozone
It granted me Its Body
by Its dance I went into raptures
in my innermost core It ignited
the fire that consumed me
that's how It initiated me in Its love play
poured out in
jelly of nectar
dissolved into solidified sweetness
movement in limitless rest
bliss out of Nothingness
tasting without tongue
enjoying without tasting
in the silent lust of knowing
awe is limitless
I have become an Ocean
the entire universe imbued in
nectar super-natural sweet
I am the Beyond
the Light I Am
as a divine puppet
It put me out of joint
a transparent and enlightened nothingness
I am a worm with the worms
a bird with the birds
plant with the plants
empty of everything known
full of inexpressible
cosmic dance is dancing me
prisoner of Eternity
coagulated in fluidum of pure Jelly
blended into Unity
you are not special or by yourself
you are given
It is given to you like everything else
there is nothing outside of what is given
That same night
Descent into the
Destruction Body of the Great Mother
Ocean of Horror
The night after I suddenly woke up. Within a split
second I was thrown into a Dark Ocean of Limitless Horror. The very immediate, direct and
timeless anguish was both within and around me. At the selfsame moment the body was
"decomposing". My "aura", emotions, feelings and thoughts had all
disappeared, together with my sense of identity. Moreover, a terrible smell of decay
penetrated me, together with a flash in which worms were consuming my body. Deep within,
there were waves of deepest ice-cold electricity. My old self - bodymind - had completely
Usually, fear is "within" you. This,
however, was totally different. The Horror was a Sea, in which everything of myself has
disappeared. The only thing left in this horrifying dark Suchness was my inner clarity, my
awareness. In the midst of this very real and hyperactive black ocean, my awareness was
also on the verge of dissolving, though. Keeping my alertness was a terrible struggle,
while terror and desperation continuously overwhelmed me. It was a matter of life and
Keeping up this acute awareness lasted for many
hours, as I could not afford one moment of weakness. Although my body (body-identity) was
gone, I could only survive through sitting in a vertical zazen position*... I had to sit
accurate within a millimeter. The slightest deviation immediately brought me in acute
danger of dissolving. Slowly, as the intensity of the terror increased, so my alertness
strengthened. Spurred on by the agony of the terror, my awareness was forced to become as
intense, timeless and limitless as the black Suchness around me. Consequently my awareness
grew gradually and eventually became an ocean as well. From that moment on, the terror
slowly weakened and finally disappeared.
* Proof of the correctness of
Zen-Philosophy. Upright body position proves to be crucial for optimizing awareness.
Dawn arrived as I looked out of the window. For the
first time I realized how long the ordeal had lasted. I also realized that this was the
ultimate (spiritual) dying process. I had suffered The Great Darkness ("Death").
It is the underworld in which the hero descends in order to become reborn. Yes, it was
really true, that I am a "son/lover" according to the archaic tradition*, and a
"delog" (the ones who suffered "The Great Death") according to the
Tibetans. The true meaning of the resurrection" has been revealed to me. I was
exhausted, but very calm and clear. I felt great benediction and I went out full of
gratefulness and enjoyed the early brightness of that wonderful morning. As a Reborn I
returned to the world.
* Son/lover of the Great Mother of
Sumer and Babylon, later followed by initiation rites of hellenistic religions.
Subsequently reshaped by Christianity.
But it did not end with
Absolute Nothingness and subsequent Full Enlightenment. What I experienced that night was
the third main part of Cosmic Realization. Like the previous Realizations everything
started in a split second. Suddenly I found myself in an Ocean of Angst. It was all around
me. Its main characteristics: it was dark and very threatening, because it sucked me in.
Just like a Black Hole. I couldn't prevent it from taking my whole body-mind, the latter
disappearing into the vast Darkness around me. So my whole sense of thinking, feeling,
body-awareness had dropped off. There was one flash of realization: if my inner clarity
e.g. my awareness e.g. observer also would go, then I would die or become mad.
Intuitively, I kneeled down on the floor in Zen-position. Through keeping my upright
position, I managed to stay aware. Although, with the slightest deviation I got acute
panic to disappear altogether. The parallel with physics is this. The Cosmic Womb (Vacuum)
has two Cosmic Forces (Dimensions), one is born out "centrifugal", the other
returning to Her ("centripetal"). It corresponds with the old notion of Creation
and Destruction. That's why I "had" to still experience the last, "in order
to make Cosmic Realization complete". It means, that the universe is ruled by
Absolute Nothingness, and Her two opposite, complementary, parallel running and
symmetrical Dimensions. Because I am part of the universe, the same forces ruling the
Whole are also ruling me (you, everything). Inner is outer and vice versa. Therefore,
spirituality and science are "two sides of the same coin". For more, see "The Supreme Design"
Realization": The Unity of Absolute Nothingness, Full Enlightenment and Descent into
of uninterrupted Bliss
Shouts of praise originated from a bottomless-deep
silence. I continuously celebrated Eternity which I Am mySelf. I knew - not with my mind,
but through my Essence - that I was granted the highest-possible Realisation. Furthermore:
I was totally carefree. It was the beginning of ten years living like the "birds in
the sky". Everything was embedded in just ONE timeless and limitless Moment. So full
of joy, that I hardly cared about my daily life. I wasn't able to, because my
ego-abilities, so important in order to "survive", had totally disappeared. I
hadn't any drive to "do something for myself", for I didn't have the abilities,
i.e. no ego that "could have done something". On the other hand my Big Self
enjoyed life to the fullest. In particular I spend a lot "of time" in nature,
wrote spiritual poetry and often didn't have a home. ""Knowing, wanting and
having" (Meister Eckhart) didn't play a role in these times. I was like a child, full
of innocence and astonishment, taking life as it is.
Moments of deep insight made clear to me how
fundamental my Great Experiences were. Through Zen I touched the limits of my True Self -
my Essence. Through the Lightning (see above) this also had disappeared for a Moment.
Various traditions therefore say, that one cannot "come too close to God"
without dying. The special thing about me was, that not the small self - this had fallen
away already much earlier - but the Big Self - Great Consciousness - had dissolved. If it
were indeed the Divine that died - although not in its utter quality yet - in WHAT had it
died? Is there still something "beyond the Divine?" To be clear: not the image
of God disappeared - like in (Christian) mysticism - where the image dies in a short unity
with Divine Substance - but the Divine itself was destroyed. O, la, la, I had been beyond
Enlightenment and paid the price: Absolute Nothingness. Immediately after - in a split
second - "I" was - as described above - dissolved into the Ultimate Divinity,
the limitless Eternal Light (see above).
At the same time I had new Great Experiences. A few
of them I have mentioned below. "In between" it "rained"
"smaller" ecstasies. F.i. the Essence concentrated itself in me in such a way,
that the periphery - my body - was totally liberated. While being silent in the center, my
outside was dancing. That could increase in such a way, that I danced like Shiva.
Everything totally not premeditated, but entirely spontaneous, f.i. in the street among
people. Or I was unified with a tree in such a way, that I couldn't hold back, fell on my
knees, kissed the grass, while caressing the leaves. Or I went out cycling. Through
continuous body and feeling awareness I felt my feet and behind very strongly. At such
moments I am one with my body, my bicycle and beyond. Cycling turned out to be a
"cosmic orgy", a force was released through which my bicycle almost collapsed.
Or the opposite: I experienced such a heavenly-sweet silence, while completely one with my
surroundings, that I didn't feel the cycling anymore.
One night I suddenly woke up, my mind being absorbed
in Emptiness. Spontaneously I took a pencil and wrote down - in English - a Sutra
consisting of sixteen parts, including Awakenening, Acceptance, Friendship, Surrender and
Action as the foundation of the Maitreya Mind. See: "The Ultimate Sutra"
That morning everything flowed. I felt so strong,
bright and clear. I did everything spontaneously without thinking. I continuously gave in
to something, without knowing what it was. Feeling very free, I left the house without any
goal or plan. I felt absorbed by joy. Like a child I skipped through the streets. I
enjoyed a blissful overflowing feeling of being at home in the world. I sat down on a
As I was reading: "the sound of a stone against
a bamboo", suddenly Something penetrated my surroundings and me. I was immediately
absorbed by It. My awareness had become one with the Ocean of Being. It was limitless and
undisturbable. Perception was unable to penetrate or create any ripples in It. An entire
Other Reality had replaced everything else. This was something "in between", an
inner connectedness of things. Everything, objects and events, remained as it was before
but without any meaning of itself. They were stripped of any "apartheid".
You are always in the
middle of IT
It was everywhere, eternally peaceful, tranquil,
crystal clear and fresh. Thoughts were rare and had become insignificant. They had no
power anymore and were unable to stir other thoughts. They were like empty particles
emerging and then disappearing. There were neither emotions or concerns. It was replaced
by blissful ecstasy where body and mind ceased any activity of their own. I was absorbed
in total Other-Worldliness. There was just That, the Suchness which had replaced
everything else. The entire visible world was both in It and outside It. But the
"outside" had become meaningless. I could see a clock, but time did not make
sense. My brain had stopped functioning and my state was timeless and limitless.
There was no urge to do anything. I just laughed
like a madman because I was so full of joy. There was realization of "this is
It"; "this is so simple"; "how blissful This is" and "what a
fool I am". Everything fell away. Nothing was separate. However, things and events
remained unchanged and went on as usual. The waiter still served on the terrace and the
traffic still went by.
For one and a half-hours nothing provoked any
reaction in me whatsoever. It did not respond. It remained undisturbable in Itself. Then,
on its own accord It subsided. Slowly leaving behind great wonder in me. Everything was
new, refreshed and every footstep was my first. I as well as my entire surroundings was
equally dear and precious. We were part of the same Whole. It was the third Great
Experience in my life.
|I saw the Essence of the all
in Its limitless timelessness
I saw the core of things and the things themselves
as one and yet independently
I see what I Am
And I Am what I see
I and seeing are One
And everything is in it
I fathomed the secret
of life and death
I scrutinized the moment of liberation
into eternal dimensions
I saw Truth by being It
love I was by dissolving into It
I am the Whole
in Me everything comes together and is connected
|I embody all Buddhas of all times simultaneously
as is the water lily in the morning sun
I don't know bible nor koran
zen and sufi don't leave any trace
I am a unwritten record
my tradition is
the smile of the eternal Moment
life (is) the joy of Its Presence
my existence the tear
on Its besmeared Face
Down here you will find the incredible story
about my almost daily
kundalini experiences, which happened to me in the early eighties.
They came to me entirely spontaneous, without
any effort on my part
Many guru's e.g. authors talk about kundalini.
We have never come across one who testifies about his/her own experiences, though. For the
first time we publish these very rare pictures of Han Marie Stiekema (1981), giving some
idea where it is all about
It usually happened when in sitting meditation
(above: exception): a shiver of both cold and warmth, an erupting delight, trembles,
vibrations and shaking emerged from the base of the spine and made their way upward. It is
an orgiastic experience, the discharge of a current of energy which provides infinite
delight. There is no telling whether it is hot or cold. It is both. The body is burned up
and cleansed at the same time. One's awareness is at the border of blissful downfall. It
is sooner accompanied by panting, groaning, calling out and orgiastic screaming.
As it rises upward along the spine there is a
shaking and shivering and when it reaches the head, which may happen very quickly or even
at the same moment, the corners of the mouth and eyes may at first turn completely upward
and the latter then open up wide, as much on the left as on the right. The head then joins
in waves of violent trembling and shaking, an ecstatic frenzy. Everything has now been
turned upside down and nothing remains of the original posture. Once the
"typhoon" has passed, complete awareness has usually been reinstated, an
awareness which was never entirely gone, a straight back, a relaxed posture with the
unfocussed gaze against the back of the eyelids followed by a profound sense of peace and
When awareness and the straight posture once again
completely coincide and one is above all conscious of the centre of the lowermost part of
the spine, there often proves to be additional energy which then contracts in a circle on
the crown of the head. In this state a contracted, forceful field of energy is sealed off
from the rest of the roof of the skull. It is a centre of aware presence from which
everything is viewed. All that was beneath it has now been released and has become
completely transparent, open and free.
His attempt to express what happens in his
Basically, two things may now happen. The complete
relaxation of one's body coupled with the intensely clear awareness of the centre of the
lowermost part of the spine - the centre of the imaginary axis of the "hollow
bamboo" - and the relaxed opening and widening of both eyes whereby the "hollow
bamboo" diametrically widens - will once again spark off the fire reflex. The
repeating of this a second, third or numerous times may result in such upward vehemence
that there is an eruption extending to even above the head of exploding, lightning and
totally dissolving ecstatic orgasms, moments in which one ceases to exist.
Or else the field of contracted energy and upper
awareness may gradually dissolve without the generating of new upward-flowing energy. From
clear awareness the ebbing-away yields an extremely subtle inner bliss. At a certain point
the head then starts leaning forward and the mouth and eyes become smaller, contracted and
slightly pursed. The head together with the shoulders slowly moves forward and the current
of energy flows downward from the mouth, throat and chest to the abdomen. The forceful
breathing out through the mouth is often accompanied by hissing sounds like those of a
snake or "dragon". The hissing is an overall event of enjoying the force
available which originates from the abdomen.
Once it is over, one is clearly aware of the course
of breathing in the abdomen which is deep down, completely relaxed, free and minimal. This
then is the end of the kundalini-cycle. In most instances I thankfully fall forward or
find myself having spontaneously touched the ground with my forehead.
I then experience myself from another center of
consciousness. In it there is space coupled with freedom, clarity, equanimity and
directness. A state transcending happiness and unhappiness with nothing interfering.
Neither thoughts nor feelings ripple the surface of the water. Nothing from either within
or without can disturb the inner peace. Everything goes without saying. No need to add to
this state, to interpret, comment on it nor judge it. Eventually it is a complete peace
free of the urge to do anything. There were daily experiences which lasted at least one
and a half years.
15th of May 1983, around 3.30 pm
It was so subtle, so delicate and hardly noticeable
that I do not remember the exact moment. I was suddenly absorbed by an omnipresent
tranquil Clarity. Immediately this tranquillity took away every urge to do anything
whatsoever. A completely otherworldly Presence appeared to be there: a silent Equanimity.
I remained lying on the same spot and I felt deeply tired. It was special because I felt
heavy and light at the same time. While falling asleep, I remained aware with sleep and
alertness fusing together. My body was heavy and my mind transparent and without thoughts.
After one hour I finished sleeping and the
brightness of my awareness had grown remarkably. My body was not an entity of its own
anymore. It was light and felt very easy. There was no resistance, no obstacles, no
special sensations and no weight. It had simply dropped off and was absorbed by the
lightness of Limitless Being: in Oneness. In this One Space neither inner nor outer
The acts "I did" were entirely
spontaneous, straightforward and direct. Walking, sitting, making tea and rearranging the
room was totally effortless and unbelievably light. There was no me in the doing.
Discrimination of the brain had fallen off. The
world had ceased to be an accumulation of things-on-their-own. Now it existed and appeared
as a unity: a limitless space; a continuum of interdependent events. Since all
obstructions of the mind, such as discrimination, commentaries, meaning, associations,
concepts, interpretations, conclusions and judgements had passed away, the world appeared
as it is: direct and simple. Everything "around me" was part of the Original
Freshness. It is a state of awareness where breathing almost disappears completely. This
state is the highest possible Simplicity.
This is the Original Homeland. It is all embracing.
Everything is as it is; perceptions are no longer able to leave any impression on the
mind. There is not anything to impress on. Consciousness is not only empty; it has no
substance of its own. No sense of identity either. It is a non-existence and is utterly
unmoved by what "it sees". Emptiness is the seeing.
The usual stress in one's head is totally absent.
There is just an omnipresent lively silent Transparency. Although events continue to
happen as usual, their energy, their charge, their life and their attraction has
disappeared. They are like shadows. Existence is just One Eternal Moment. Thinking of the
next moments is impossible, it does not occur to you. You have been switched on into
timelessness. You cannot "look outside". You are a prisoner of The Eternal.
How sweet is this. How pure and fresh! Yes, you are
a prisoner, yet your freedom is absolute. You are not concerned at all with the world
"around you"; there is no urge whatsoever to interfere. There are no worries and
no emotions. It is a move into a very subtle equanimity where you are in the world but not
of it. No special events occur. There is neither excitement nor bliss, joy nor ecstasy. No
special "spiritual experience". As awareness is insensible to whatever there is,
it totally transcends here and there. It is inclusive.
The mind has disappeared. You are no more there.
There are no thoughts, no energy, no identity, no self-awareness and no awareness. There
is just this All Pervading Void. A Valley of Divine Calm. In this Eternal Moment, I am all
that was, is and will be. I am the All Embracing One; I embody all Buddhas of all
This was the most "common" of my first
four Great Experiences. It showed me the Bottomless Ground of existence in its simple
perfection, directness and transparency; nothing special, nothing holy. With it the Cycle
of Enlightenment has been completed. The highest Self-Realization thus brought me back to
everyday life. There is no substance, no "Enlightenment in between" anymore. A
life in which I am equal to the grass, the trees, the lily and the pond.
The essence of
Enlightenment: a rebirth into the world
still-active rest and clarity
no inner nor outer
abscence of any sensation
is this where it was all about
not of this world nor
of the other
have I been tricked
from something to Nothingness
only asks for
the boundaries of
every separate moment
the restriction of what It is
before It was born
|the most Fruitful
anybody growing through
those touched by Her
go the opposite
all those who are
possessed by Her
are stripped of his or her
nobody is allowed to
unless he or she
dies into Her
now I walk in the street
everything gained something
while I have less
everything already had
that I never possessed
inner emptiness that
from face to face
the eye of the world
PS. The poems have been
translated with my limited abilities with regard to the English language.
integration ("Dark Night of the Soul")
After ten years the intensity of my Bliss gradually
became weaker, though. Periods of depression, irritability and negativity made themselves
known. Only later I grasped, that the Divine "purposely" withdraws itself in
order to give one the opportunity of integrating still unprocessed inner residues of the
old self. For Wholeness doesn't mean to identify yourself just with Being alone, but one
has to include your personality, as well. Something that was (is) fully unknown in the
East. The problem at that time: I didn't know about this. Hence, I had to find out
everything by myself. I had two choices: to cultivate my Essence in order to attain the
"ultimate perfection" (like Eastern Masters do) or to accept the challenge of
starting "all over again" i.e. to start working on my unprocessed parts. At the
same time it changed my insights about reality. Contrary to what many teachers say - once
enlightened, always enlightened - the ego does return, also after Enlightenment.
Additionally, the idea "how I could help people, if I didn't accept my own
suffering", was decisive.
To face this is the greatest challenge on the spritual
Path. First of all, one has to digest one's disappointment of not being that perfect.
Especially "teachers" who already built up a clientele are often confronted by
great difficulties. "Loss of face" and loss of followers!. Not surprisingly,
this problem is rarely admitted. Secondly, one should know that great dangers are around
the corner. For what is the case? After Consciousness has opene, strong energies come to
the surface, cause of not only positive but also negative experiences. When you neglect
working on unprocessed emotional complexes, these selfsame complexes will suck these
energies, blowing themselves up. The consequence: together with the growth of your inner
Light your shadow part (fear, anguish, rage, pain, inferiority feelings, frustrated sex
etc.) will getting bigger, as well. Until this inner "counterpart" becomes so
strong, that it reaches a limit i.e. is breaking through. Your entire system may then turn
from positive to negative. Remedy: also, yes, in particular...after a Great Experience you
have to - just like the "simple souls" around you - start working on
integration, i.e. go into therapy.
Because my "Dark Night of the Soul" lasted
twenty years, it is impossible for me to go into all details. (See for that my Autobiography).
One thing was rather a burden to me, namely the tendency to use my Enlightenment for my
own (ego)purposes. Through the Great Experience one knows that one is the Universe, the
entire Cosmos. Thus it isn't that strange that one has the idea of being "the savior
to the whole of mankind". However, no one recognizes you as an Enlightened One.
Common minds i.e. vibrations are much too rude for noticing your subtle
energies.....Hence, it may come to a point where "you embrace all people", while
being neglected, denied or worse by those selfsame persons. Nobody who is asking for your
wisdom. You are one with the Cosmos, while being lonely among people! This you can
"solve" by - too prematurely - announcing yourself as the "great
master". To resist this temptation was for me most difficult, indeed. My
Enlightenment thus increasingly posed me more and more difficulties, rather than being the
ultimate liberation. Ultimately it dawned to me: "Enlightenment cannot be the
Ultimate Reality". There should be still "something behind". The solution
came from re-assessing my own Great Experiences. Didn't they start with Absolute
Nothingness? With the Light coming out of Darkness? Ergo: Darkness rather than Light
("God") is the Ultimate Reality.
"Light comes out of Darkness" is common
wisdom. That nobody until now took the effort of investigating this insight, is certainly
due to the dominance of Christianity. Only the Black Madonna's are giving some
indications, reason why until this very date they are a thorn in the eye of the Church.
Darkness, Nothingness, Emptiness have been always instruments of evil, i.e. the devil,
something that started with Aristotle. Only in recents years, where the Church rapidly
lost power, one dares to look behind the screens, and break through the taboo. This was
the way I came to know the Mother. Since archaic times She is the the dark "Cosmic
Womb" from Which everything - God and the Universe - is born, the latter continuously
returning to their Origin. Only She could destroy my enlightenment obsession, for wasn't
it She who already once eradicated my Being altogether? My obsession, literally,
disappeared into the (Her) "Black Hole!" Nothing in the world could have done
the same. By the way, in spirituality nobody mentions it: the destructive side of the
Ultimate as Ultimate Liberator. Moreover an insight had become confirmed: Enlightenment
(Eternal Light, BuddhaNature, Great Consciousness, the Divine) is NOT the Ultimate
Reality. Which means: no authority can be built on it (anymore). On the contrary, this
would be like building a home without foundations. A great relief to me! At the same time
it is the "end" of all patriarchal religions...
With the Great Mother everything fell into place. Only
through Her the situation in which we have put ourselves can become clear. Isn't it a
period of fast decay? "In itself" this is not making any sense. With the Mother
as "Cosmic Vacuum" this all changes. Her Emptiness is the context of a (dynamic)
balance between destruction and creation. With the shifting of this balance, f.i. through
accumulation (brought about by a part of mankind), Emptiness is counteracting by trying to
find an new equilibrium through breaking down the too much. In this way a meaningful
relationship between "above" and "below" is established. It is an
invitation to cooperate intelligently with the cosmic forces. If we do so, we have the
feeling, that the Cosmos once again will act "to our advantage". It consists of
the insight, that the focus of cooperating with the decay is to break down our own
personal accumulations (ego) first. All artificiality, everything infused by greed
and self-centeredness isn't worthwile to pursue! On the contrary, it blocks the
possibility of a new start. The latter which is urgently needed. It is like A.Toynbee
said: when a culture has come to its end, an increasing number of people will be returning
to the Origin in order to become renewed. Only after a New Self has been born people will
be able to commit themselves to a New World. The Mother is thus not only the Ultimate
Reality, like She revealed Herself in my Threefold Realization, but indeed proves to be
THE Dimension, that is above all dearly needed nowadays.
PS. I have written so much about the Mother already,
that I refrain from going on here. Instead, I remind you of some LINKS,
especially "Turn On"
Back into the world
What an irony: the outcome of the spiritual Path the
claim to be "Son of the Mother". This is considered to be "very
strange". Despite the fact that everybody is son or daughter of a mother! On the
highest plane She is the Mother of the Divine and the entire universe. This is also the
difference between the Mother and a Goddess. The latter is symbolising a particular
energy, only. Therefore, feminists can surely claim the Goddess, but not the Great Mother.
Obviously, in this new situation I needed some time for re-orientation with regard to my
new "wold view". What is exactly my Mission and how to put it into practice,
that was the question. To accomodate with patriarchal religion wasn't possible, while
feminists were also rejecting me.....a man who claims to know the Cosmic Mother.....even
more thoroughly than women do....that couldn't be accepted. Thus I was forced to find my
own way. "The strong one is most powerful, when alone" is something Nietzsche
already said. Well, if nothing else goes! In this way I have worked the last 14 years -
everything in the Name of the Cosmic Mother - creating A New Tradition: "The Original
Tradition". Totally in accordance with the necessity of current times: first turning
within - to be renewed by the Depth - in order to once again becoming part of the Whole:
"Heaven, Earth and the (new) Community. The latter has been subsequently extended to
the 10 Steps of "Healing the Planet". The result: an entirely New Tradition
which is also the Oldest is available to everyone. Not spoiled by the manipulations of
dominating institutions - and the excesses of current "spirituality" - I am
taking the lead in announcing A New Era.
PS. I know about the suffering of uprootedness. In the
beginning it looks like freedom. However, sooner or later this turns into total inner
confusion. That's why people are longing for a New Home! Do you feel invited? If so, don't
hesitate and stand up. Make yourself known!
"Come ye all unto Me,
I Am the All-Embracing One!"
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we recommend you to first going back to the beginning of
Han Marie Stiekema's website.
Please, click HOME and proceed from there.
© 2000 Copyright Han Marie Stiekema
Last revising: 10/25/12
In the age of decay our only hope is to return
to the Source in order to become renewed
We - every human being, the animals, the plants, the
rivers and the rocks - are identical in Essence.
You are Me, and I am You
Go for It!
Awaken!, restructure your life and serve others
Never give up!
Never give up
Science & Religion
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Mother & Sons
"Beyond Enlightenment and Death", "Commentary on Threefold
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Sutra" and "The Universal Way"
Erleuchtung und Tod", "Autobiographie",
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Graalsvisioen", "The Ultimate
Sutra", "De Universele Weg" en "Lied van Vol-Ledigheid"