Chapter 8 |
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| 1. PREFACE
2. INTRODUCTION
3. MY
CHILDHOOD The beginning School Natural medical doctor 4. ON
THE "OTHER SIDE" Prophecy 6. DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL Abandonment 7. THE
SACRED VALLEY The Descent Looking back 9. HEALING THE PLANET Lament 10. THE GREAT MOTHER (Re)discovery 11. TURN ON Great Mother Hymn 12. EPILOGUE Being Available
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Looking Back
Looking back on it the main lines of my development
become clear to me. For the first two years I lived in paradise, followed by the extremely
painful experience of "rejection". In my experience, from one day to the next -
immediately after the birth of my brother – I felt no longer loved or seen, I felt
totally abandoned, left to my own devices. From that moment on "I had to do it all by
myself." My deep inferiority complex – I had become a nobody, by a chronic lack
of confirmation - was overcompensated by an ideal vision of myself, to which I clung on
to. My life was a major attempt to be somebody. Without realizing it, I became addicted to
this self-image. It was deeply painful for me to confess that despite the joyous ten years
- which existed in the Non-Being, and after the trial and error of the dark years that
followed it - I again was identified, but now with my spiritual self image, my
realization, my being a teacher and my ‘impact on the world’. The inflatedness,
resulting from the childish inferiority complex, turned out to be the last obstacle on the
road to complete surrender. The depletion as a result of running after my Self addiction,
however, forced me to my knees time and time again. Now that I finally reconciled with my
Non-Being, a miraculous calmness and peace came into me. Now there is nothing that can
pull me out of my True Nature. That I may constantly stand with empty hands is my most
important prayer. Deep insight into the cause and the cohesion of suffering
was the first condition, the first step on a long road. Without the influence of
‘time’, where everything is being re-chewed ‘time and time again’, it
wouldn’t have been possible. Courage was necessary to repeatedly confront that
‘same’ pain, anger and fear to pass through me: the constant feeling awareness,
allowing and accepting the "ugly" in myself and learning to love it, to embrace
and to acknowledge and finally to confess it ‘before God’, without reservation
or hesitation. From the deep despair, ‘that it would never turn out right’ I
constantly gave myself back to From-Where-I-Came and (re)discovered the relationship with
the Absolute ( that I Am MySelf, which ultimately would reveal itself as the Great
Mother): the prayer, ‘not my will, but Thy Will be done’ and the whisper of Her
Name. Continuous I was looking for an answer to my deepest desire to forever be part of
the Whole, to be an instrument ‘in Her Hands’. ‘Just being-myself’, this
kitsch slogan from the me-culture, My life’s myth of ‘he who came back’ –
a fool, drunken on the Divine, living in the Here and Now, from the ‘Other
Shore’ I come to you as someone who brings your inheritance back to you. In my exile
I have kept, what you've lost, so you - in spite of your obsession with
"happiness" - are still deeply unhappy. I'll bring you what has survived in me,
but What is not mine. I was privileged in having kept my Innocence, now I can’t do
anything but lead you to the same Innocence, your True Self. I Am Truly Free and
can’t bear to watch how you are imprisoned in your self-made hell. It was with intent
that I after having had my Divine Decade of Blissfulness that I quite deliberately chose
to return to the world of conflict and the transitory, only to know better what you must
endure. My guideline to this is the Grail Vision*. It is a gift from the Great Mother. She
gave it at the very beginning of my spiritual Journey. As we know it consists out of ‘Striving for Enlightenment, restructuring (integrate) your
life and serving the other" symbolized by the St. John’s Wort, the Jewish
(Canaanite) Chandelier (the Tree of Life) and the ever outpouring Grail Chalice. Every
time when I lost the Way, I found support in the Vision. It time and time again confirmed
my destination and direction. Because the Vision was of transcendent character, it was not
only intended for me. Everybody may adopt it as guideline. As you know the Grail is linked to the Percival legend. My
life is closely intertwined with this. Not only because wise man once had made a
prediction about it too me*, but also very practical. My life runs along the same pattern.
And in the past I was often nagging about lack of guidance! This ‘heroic’ aspect
of my existence should, however, repeatedly be updated. It requires courage, perseverance,
confidence and strength. Central is the carrying out of your mission. Therefore it is
necessary that you coincide with your destination. This happened to Percival starting with
the gift of the Enlightenment (with me it was the Triple Realisation). With one big blow
you are put on the right track, engaged in the ‘Divine Plan’. This is how ever
this is only the beginning. By the Divine Opening, there are countless unprocessed or
archetypal types that ‘surface’. You will be confronted with it whether you want
it or not. They are symbolized by the countless! of adventures Percival encounters upon
his Path. The challenges are really aspects of himself that need to be integrated. After a
long period of maturation he then is for the second time invited at the Grail castle
(symbol of Enlightenment). Unlike the first time he does not fail to ask about the health
condition of the king. Full Enlightenment is synonymous with compassion! Only then can you
participate in the Kingdom. Now I am celebrating my own biography. I remember it as if ‘it was yesterday’. Main part of it was that I felt rejected as a child, thus did not ‘belong to here, nowhere feeling at home.’ At that time the pain was so unbearable that I as a two year old ‘retreated from this world’. It would dominate my entire life. I was not at home with my family, not at school, not in this culture, not with my parents and siblings and finally ... not of this world. That it worked predisposing in ‘reaching the Other Shore’, is plausible. Don’t all the teachers say - especially the dualistic type – that in order, to ‘become enlightened’, you must leave everything behind, your past, your biography, your identity, yourself. Well, I have been doing that my whole life. But once you arrived, you have to do exactly the opposite: the adoption of what you ‘had dropped’. If you still do not consciously adopt your biography, it will start dominating you. It is the fate of people who for example share the above spiritual philosophy. After the ‘realization’, just when you thought ‘you reached it’ begins the inevitable confrontation with your past, so that your whole ‘enlightened life’ becomes sour. Because you want to deny this to the outside world - think of all those devout followers that you've gathered through so much effort – it thus becomes concealed. I was - though late – privileged to fully embrace my past. And have thus - with this book, this giving myself openly – done so with great exuberance. My Triple Return: From the Light, from
death and Actual compassion doesn’t start with the other, but
with yourself. It starts with the painful realisation of one's own alienation and the
discovery of your own Wholeness. Alienation as the cut-off experience of your deeper Self
and the Divine, your body and nature and the unconscious respectively oppressed parts of
your psyche. The more you can allow the pain to be here now and experience it, the more
intense the desire for wholeness becomes. The catch here is the idea that you are already
‘very spiritual’ and are therefore ‘free’ of alienation. Usually there
is the fear of one’s own shadow - all oppressed, convicted and non-welcomed
‘negative’ qualities and impulses – at the root of it. They are in conflict
with the ‘positive’ self-image. There is nothing wrong with
‘yourself’, wrongly called ‘ego’, though. Self-centeredness is a
natural function in the service of an individual’s survival. Maintaining yourself and
reinforcing is an undeniable aspect of life, something for which we do not have to feel
ashamed. If we deny this function, commonly through some (spiritual) philosophy, than we
deny ourselves and others. Living in a self created illusionary world, benefits nobody.
Denying vital parts of yourself was exactly the cause of the suffering to begin with. Not
condemnation, but awareness, acceptance and integration is the answer. love is first assess them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.” Antoine De Saint-Exupery. French aviator and writer, author of 'The Little Prince', 1900-1944 Beauty From the first moment you are aware, an entire new world opens itself for you. Observing something without the intervention of thoughts, emotions and desires lifts you above daily functioning. The brightness is reflected in the ‘object’, regardless of what it is. Before you were still dominated by your sympathies and antipathies (consequences of your past / you conditionings). Now you suddenly see the world with an entirely different view. The awareness has added a value to everything. You see everything as for the first time. Through your direct perception everything is renewed, instead of you having to be renewed by your surroundings. So it does not really matter what you see, everything is just as fresh, without exception. Especially if you in your process have attained a conscious feeling connection with the body, a new dimension opens itself to you. Through body awareness contact with everything around you is established. Extension of body awareness and inner space go hand in hand. Does the feeling awareness expand further, then the chair, the table, the floor, the vase with flowers and the cat at a given moment become aspects of your extended Space. The former become the contents of your True Self. Perhaps for the first time in your life, you see (and feel) the beauty of all those little things around you: the grass, flowers, bees, the smells in the woods, the clouds .... and the silence. “Does something enter your ‘own’ Space, you love it as yourself” Because the Path goes via the body, the latter gets a
whole new appreciation. ‘Looking and feeling’ brings you into contact with the
subtle energies of the body. It brings you joy, pleasure and happiness. Suddenly, all
kinds of unknown dimensions open before you. In sitting, walking, cycling and dancing for
example. You will appreciate your body for its subtlety, grace, strength or stability, all
this with positive feedback on your self-awareness e.g. confidence. ‘Suddenly’
you dare to dress in the manner that suits you best - my father had a company in ladies
clothing, so I personally love beautiful clothes - your perception of love, eroticism and
sex will undergo a deep fundamental transformation etc. etc......... © 1999 Copyright by Han M. Stiekema. All rights reserved. |