3. MY CHILDHOOD
Natural medical doctor 4. ON THE "OTHER SIDE"
The Great Experiences/Ten years of uniterrupted Bliss
Vision of the Grail
My Inner Woman
To make love and be free Tantra
REVELATION OF THE GREAT MOTHER
THE GREAT LIGHT
THE GREAT DEATH/THE UNDERWORLD
The Ultimate Sutra
Amsterdam, August 1980
Nothing Is/The Cycle
5. DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL
(Sermon of the Valley)
The Return 7. TERESA OF AVILA
Teresa of Avila
A Miracle/PilgrimCare 8. MY LIFE'S MYTH
9. LAMENT FOR THE PLANET
10. THE GREAT MOTHER
Great Mother Hymn 12. EPILOGUE
The Green Grass ABOUT THIS
Believe it or not, it started (1973) with an old wise man, visiting
Han Maries practise. Instead of asking for help, said he came to give him an
important message. In short, what he said was nothing less than that the life of Han Marie
would be to fulfill the age old Parzival promise. To which Han Marie responded in total
In the beginning I had a dream. It was the dream that made a very deep impression on me. I was driving in the car somewhere in the countryside. At the first crossing it was actually quite clear to me in which direction I should proceed. A voice inside of me, however, said: "come on, there is no rush, you can still go that way, why not take a right turn?" I was weak and gave in. After some time the same situation occurred. Once again there was the deep sense of which way to go and again I simply brushed it aside. In the end I had lost all sense of the right direction.
At that instant I happened to enter the market place of a small town. It was medieval with cobblestone streets and gabled house fronts surrounding it. The market place formed a tight circle with not a single street leading on to it. There was no way out. A feeling of constraint and being hemmed in came over me and I went in search of an exit.
On my far left I soon discovered a dark concave shape which, on closer look, turned out to be a dark tunnel. On the right side of the entrance stood a man dressed like a jester with a fools cap on his head and a cane in his hand. In spite of a feeling of uneasiness I carefully drove past him and entered the tunnel. It was gloomy and dark in there with just enough light to see where I was going.A shape suddenly loomed up on the left and I slowed down so as to see who it was and avoid driving into it. It was a woman passing my car from the opposite side, which she just managed to do because of the little space available between herself and my car. The last glimpse of her told me that she was pregnant.
As I drove on, a pinpoint of light became visible in the distance, which grew larger and larger as I approached. A profound feeling of relief came over me coupled with a deep sense of joy. All tension now left me. I knew without a doubt that I would arrive at this light.
It was not long before a gate of dear light came into view. I was filled with intense joy. A moment later I passed through the arch and entered a golden field of waving cereal, which seemed to be limitless. Above it, as the source of all the light and gold, shone a brilliant sun. The wealth that met my eyes was indescribable. It was a state of unbelievable beauty, surprise, enchantment and joy. Even more so, because I sensed myself a part of it all. It was as if I, too, had changed into light and gold. I had reached my homeland.
Vision of the Grail
Vision of the Grail: the
trinity of Enlightenment,
1. That afternoon there was a very special atmosphere. It was as if the air around me was filled with some rare energy. I lay on my bed and felt very relaxed.
2. Suddenly the room became very transparent. Everything changed into a very unusual clarity. Then, with my eyes open, a visionlike phenomenon appeared right in front of me. First I could not see what it was, but immediately after I saw some dots radiating light. As the light became more and more intense, the dots began to look symmetrical. I saw them change into a form. They became bigger. Suddenly I saw what it was: little golden flowers with minute red drops in their hearts. The flowers radiated beautiful light around them. Then I recognized them as St. John's Wort.
3. I had never seen such a radiating splendour before. It stayed there for a short while, then it started changing. The green twigs and leaves started changing into gold. The twigs reshaped themselves into semicircles with their opening to the sky. The red drops fused into each other and became bigger. In the meantime, the intensity of the gold as well as the radiance of the light had grown accordingly. How extremely beautiful this was. Suddenly I saw: the object was a Tree of Life, a Jewish Menorha. There were the seven arms, each with a red flame at the top. I was deeply fascinated, awfully impressed by the clarity of the vision.
4. Even then the change did not stop. It went on and on at a slow pace. I was able to follow it easily. After the Tree of Life reached its fullest expression, the arms became thicker and thicker. They grew towards each other. First they touched, then they fused. All space between the arms was filled with incredibly beautiful gold, radiating light in all directions. The energy was extremely powerful.
5. To begin with I did not recognize what it was but shortly after it looked like a golden cup. Yes, it was a golden Chalice radiating fascinating light all around. I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life before, such a perfect shape, such blissful radiance. This was not a normal experience. Its nature was definitely transcendental. Then, very slowly the Chalice started bending towards the right and I was able to look into it a little. I knew: this was the climax. Something very special was going to happen. Suddenly I saw. The Chalice was filled with a red fluid...blood! It was blood! Blood came up out of the Chalice's depth and started dripping over its edge. As the Chalice continued to bend over its side, more and more blood poured out of it. It became a stream, yes a river of blood flowing abundantly and without cessation. The Chalice appeared to be an Inexhaustible Source.
6. As I realized this, I was filled with deepest emotion and gratitude. An ecstatic joy overwhelmed me. And as that happened, the vision slowly diminished until finally it disappeared.
7. After some time the true nature of this event became dear to me. A centuries long mystic quest had been revealed to me. The culmination of so much effort, speculation, deception and greed had been brought back to Its Original Purity. Yes, this was The Holy Grail. However, for me it was not the end, but the beginning of my spiritual journey. The meaning became clear to me only much later. The vision contained a message to the world. St.Johns Worth symbolizes "awakening"; the Menorha that of "the (Jewish) Law, symbolizing the necessity of personal integration and the Chalice that of selflessness. These aspects are part of a "trinity", they are related to each other. There is no awakening without personal integration, and no personal integration without selflessness. It is a powerful message in a time, where "awakening" and "personal growth" are self-serving goals. Hence, the Vision being the beginning of a new era. It is laying the foundation of new values, a new morality and a new community.
The Grail is the Vessel symbolizing the
The Ultimate Image
* The Grail is representing the womb transformed into universal Womb Consciousness, as expressed in various traditions, f.i. as Cosmic Womb, Great Mother, Vessel, Chalice, Ark, Stone, Ka'aba, Laying Moon, Yantra, Yoni, Lotus, Circle, YŁanbao, Mary, Mary Magdalena in fact...the natural womb with its menstruation, thus every woman.9. Wolfram von Eschenbach describes the process, through which restoring of Wholeness has to be achieved. This Path is open to all those, who still possess the "original innocence" (the Essence within all of us). In the legend, Parzival turns his back to his mother.....who soon dies from grief. As a young lad he has only one goal in mind: to become a famous knight. The countless adventures lead him to growing self-understanding and growth. At crucial moments, it is always through ladies that he gains the right insights. It both means, that the "Eternal Feminine" is always there (often hidden because of being suppressed) to guide men on their path toward Wholeness, simultaneously symbolizing the "anima" (feeling) aspect of the male personality. At a certain moment Parzival is granted to visit the Grail Castle, where (again) Ladies show him the holy Grail. Obsessed by what he sees, he forgot to ask about the health of the Fisher-King, indicating that his compassion - the core quality of Enlightenment - is still absent cq immature. He has to bear the consequences and is literally thrown out of the Castle, facing even tougher years of self-confrontation. 10. The one who destroyed paradise is the one who has the obligation to repair it. Hence, it is the holy duty of men to "Restore the Wholeness of Life". It underlines the actuality of the Grail legend. It is the men who have to acknowledge the "Lady" as the sovereign of the land, while becoming Her servant. He has to give up his self-centeredness (ego) e.g. his greed for money and power. Rather than serving corporate interests, he has to repent, acknowledging his (self)destructive behaviour*. Only though deep grief with regard to his crimes, a turning point can be brought about. Parzival (as one of the most outspoken representatives of the Tradition of the Green Man**) is a great example in this regard. After much suffering he finally returns to the court of King Arthur, expecting to be honoured for his efforts. However, even then, he is confronted for his (last) shortcomings. An ugly Lady ("Kundrie", destructive aspect of the Great Mother) on a donkey, shouts at him, despises him and humiliates him in front of a big audience. She reproaches him of still not possessing the right attitude toward the suffering of the world. After this last teaching he was allowed to again enter the Grail Castle. This time, while seeing the Grail again, he doesn't forget to ask after the health of the wounded Fisher-King (symbolizing the ego cut off from the Source). Immediately, the palace rejoices and the wasteland is turned into the abundance it once was.
* Incuding all those women, who also have identified themselves with the patriarchal ego, self-indulgence and consumerism.** See: "HisStory" and "The Green Man". 11. Last but not least. The Grail legend became the source of a new interpretation to the Jesus story. It were the Knights Templar who - heavily influenced by what they learned in the Holy Land - adopted a new version of the "bloodline". It is centered around the archaic myth of the MotherGoddess with Her Vegetation God. The latter dying every autumn in order to be reborn in spring, thus "securing the fertility of the new season". The Templars connected Christianity to the old tradition, giving a totally new meaning to the former. Links to all kinds of suppressed (gnostic) information were made. Simon Magus - the "prototype of the heretics" - played a crucial role here. He stated that the Mother was the Ultimate Reality, while the Father being Her Son.....This was the Achillus-heel of the young church, hence the latter doing all it could to crush Simon. This wasn't all, though. "Persistant rumors" emphasized the role of Mary Magdalene, as being the first disciple of Jesus. Nowadays, countless publications have shed their light on her position. Still, they have not gone far enough. The Truth is, that she was a priestess of the old Canaanite Mother Religion, looking for a suitable candidate for the role of a Sacrificing God. It explains why Jesus was anointed by her, something that had been the tradition for several thousands of years. Obviously, in his teaching he couldn't directly talk about the Mother (although some Gnostic texts suggest it). Instead he displayed an extremely women-friendly attitude. 12. Nowadays "everybody" believes that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene. Rightly so. After his crucifixion, which has some indications, that it was a symbolic rather than a concrete act, serving the purpose of "fulfilling the prophesy", e.g. proving that he - Jesus - was the Messiah, the King of Juda in the lineage of David...Mary Magdalene, together with her children, among which two sons - all children of Jesus - fled to Marseille. Because the older son - Jesus Justus - did not marry, the family line was thus continued by his younger brother Joseph (meaning the "crown prince"). He was called the first Grail Child, meaning the fruit - "blood" - of the womb - vessel or "Grail" - of the Magdalene. To cut the story short, the descendents of Joseph affiliated themselves to the aristocracy of the Franks, which was the beginning of the Merovingian dynasty, having its highlights with Clovis and ending with the betrayal of the Church, through which Dagobert II - the last successful king - was murdered, in favor of his servant Pepin the Fat. The Church having itself identified with the teaching of Paul, together with all the imperial aspirations connected to it, felt increasingly threatened by the Jesus dynasty, hence its effort of making an end to it. However, at that time the family as such was not destroyed. Its (aristocratic) descendents popped up in all kinds of people, liaisons and situations. For instance, the famous Godefroi of Bouillon, King of Jerusalem is said to be related to the original clan. Which clues us about the connection of the Grail and the Knights Templar, the latter being the guardians of the former. In short, according to these historic interpretations, the Grail is symbolizing nothing less than the dynastic genealogy of the Jesus family.*
* M.Baigent, R.Leigh, H.Lincoln "The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail", 1982 J.Cape13. In the mean time the Sermes (Han Marie) was struggling with the new information. On the one hand, it was time for him to acknowledge e.g. face all the consequences resulting from his revelation, while rejecting any form of speculation on the other. A considerable amount of the latter he found with those contemporary writings, in which certain families - usually related to the current European aristocracy - claim to be descendents of the Jesus dynasty. However, as repeatedly stated in the same sources, the whereabouts of that dynasty have become totally obscured and were lost during the centuries. Thus the genealogies produced are a product of wishful thinking, serving only existing interests, trying to regain power and influence though reviving the legend of the Grail. To the Sermes two things were decisive. First, the fact, that the original lineage of the Grail not only including a "bloodline", but also the transmission of spiritual wisdom. This knowledge had been passed directly from Jesus to Mary Magdalene; the other way around may be even more likely (see above), since Jesus was anointed by her (a high priestess of the Mother cult) and not vice-versa. Hence, Mary Magdalene being called "the apostle of apostles", "the one who knew the All" and the one "who transmitted the true secret of Jesus".
14. This spiritual lineage soon ceased to exist, since its descendents became entirely worldly oriented. The "drying out of the lineage" was thus twofold: physically ("the bloodline") and spiritually. Thus, since the bloodline has died out, the "second coming" could only be spiritual. Which can only be claimed by someone, who is a suitable candidate, e.g. who is spiritually fully Realized. Conclusion: the Grail, after its retreat in its hidden spiritual realm - only "waiting for the right time and circumstance" - has indeed revealed itself once again. It has chosen the Sermes - typically an "outsider" according to the Parcival legend - as the initiator of a new Grail family. Feverishly he tried to find all kind of excuses for not facing the consequences of this latest insight. Only to discover, that - both through the authenticity of the Vision, completed by all kinds of additional symbolic relationships - that the legitimacy of his revelation was real. The "bloodline" thus being definitively and exclusively replaced by spiritual lineage. For the Sermes everything fell into place. The context of his mission being the Great Mother, together with Her Law of the Universe, with specific responsibility to further spreading of the Grail - as Her Message to the world - while taking care of a new spiritual lineage e.g. nobility.
15. The mythological backgrounds of the Grail can be traced back to the time of the Great Mother. In fact the Grail symbolizes the Cosmic Womb, the Vessel out of which life is flowing and to which it is returning. This notion possibly first materialized in India. Before having been spiritually transcended, the Vessel simply represented the physical womb. Therefore, in India a temple can be found, in which a natural womb together with a continuous flow of blood is being venerated*. We may assume, that the image of the Womb has then travelled to the West. For instance, halfway, in Persia, the castle of Takt-i-Takdis is said to have contained the Grail. Once spread in the Middle East, the legend became interwoven with the existing myths of the mystery religions. Expressions like "Womb of Astarte" for the Holy of Holiest of the Jewish Temple during the time of Solomon, speaks volumes. During the crusades the Knights Templar brought this wisdom under great secrecy - in Christian disguise, because Mother-related worship was strictly forbidden by the Church - to their home countries. In the Celtic regions the cauldron of the goddess Cerridwin - totally independent from eastern influence - had been a symbol of the Great Mother as well. It was the object of druidic worship for many centuries. Not surprisingly thus, that the two traditions fused into one. It was to become the fertile soil in which the Grail story would germinate.
* The menstruating yoni of the goddess Kamakhya at Gauhati in Assam.
16. The Quest for the Grail has to be understood* as a proces of individuation, in which the ego "has to" separate from its Source in order to eventually returning to it. The journey itself serves the integration of personality. As a young boy Parzival (ego) is leaving his mother in order to become succesful in the world. Through endless adventures - strengthening his ego on one hand, integrating his shadow on the other - he eventually arrives at the Grail Castle. This castle belongs to the "fisher king", an old sick and wounded man. Because of his illness the kingdom is an infertile wasteland. This symbolizes the situation in which the ego - greedy for power and control - has become alienated from its (lifegiving) Source**. This Source is available, only the king is unable to make contact with it. This is illustrated by the fact, that the Grail is kept in the Castle all the time. Only somebody from "outside" - a "fool" (somebody who still is in contact with his/her true Self) - is able to heal the king. However, Parzival is so totally fascinated at the sight of the Grail, that it doesn't occur to him to ask the king "what is ailing him". With the result, that the other day he is thrown out of the Castle.
* J.Shinoda Bolen "Crossing to Avalon", 1994 HarperSanFrancisco
** According to matriarchal myths it is a sign of a king (in matriarchy a king is only seasonal, symbolizing the coming and going of the vegetation) refusing to die, not willing to give way to his successor.
17. It will take him another five years "in the forest" (symbolizing the "Dark Night of the Soul") before being able to return to the Grail Castle. This time, having learnt his lesson, he doesn't forget the crucial question. Once the connection is restored - of the paralyzed ego with its Source - the king is healed, together with his kingdom. The Grail, symbolizing the lifegiving Cosmic Womb, is sharing its abundance, making the land blossoming and green, once again. The story makes clear, that Enlightenment alone is infertile. Only if it is integrated with compassionate insight, things will be healed. The combination of personal integration, Enlightenment and compassion as three aspects of the same process, is unique in the world. No other tradition is emphasizing them the way the Grail legend does. After having disappeared, its full glory has returned through the Vision of the Grail, revealed to Han Marie Stiekema. One proof - among others - for its authenticity is exactly the unity, described above. Nowadays we as well as society as a whole are all "fisher kings". Our existential suffering is precisely the disease the fisher king of the legend was suffering from. Obscessed by our ego and thus alienated from "Heaven, earth and the community" we are "thrown upon ourselves", desperately looking for Wholeness. However, most "solutions" offered are partial at best. Only by acknowledging the Great Mother as the Ultimate Reality - the life giving and taking Womb of the universe - and realizing that becoming aware, integration - both personal and with our environment - and selflessness are three indispensable aspects of the same process, we will find the harmony we are longing for.Explanation/The Trinity
After the vision had been revealed, I left it alone for the first
period shortly after the experience. It was during the time, in which I was busy with
intensive Zen-training. In the Zen-philosophy visions are apparitions that without
exception should be left for what they are: transient and therefore relative objects of
the mind instead of the Mind-Self. Remaining indifferent is the decree. From time to time
the memory of the vision naturally sufficed, not astonishing, seen the tremendous impact
it had made on me. The first care was authenticity. I had to be absolutely certain of the
supernatural character of the Vision and the distinction between something deriving from
my psyche, a visualisation or worse even, a hallucination. What could plead
for the hallucination was the prediction only briefly done before it. Without
mooring to it, I had to keep into account the (unconscious) suggestive force.
There where however many logical facts to take into comparison as well. In the first
place, suddenly from one moment to the next my entire consciousness in
conjunction with my environment was lifted above me. It had the character of the Numinous,
a timeless reality with another-dimension and simultaneously a greater quality of reality
then I had ever experienced before. The occurrence was not of this world.
Everything happened within one timeless en boundless moment. A simple projection of my
small self could not have given this experience.
Going from this position, we may conclude, that the Vision held and still holds a significant message from the Ultimate. The significance of it all penetrated me from time to time, but was pushed aside each time. I didnt feel much for becoming a messenger. Yet the thought it kept returning. In accordance with my situation I gave numerous meanings to the experience, none of which really satisfied me. Deep inside I knew, but fully getting it into focus, in such a manner that I could verbalise the truth, that simply did not happen for a long time. Especially the fact, that the Vision was bigger then myself held me in its grip. It wasnt meant for me alone, but had meaning for the greater whole, for humanity perhaps. So I wasnt allowed to keep it for myself, but had to share it, making everyone a participant, that was my responsibility. I must admit, that regardless of this for a long time I couldnt be especially aux serieux. In reality, I simply wasn't ready for it yet, not worthy to be the barer of it. First the message and the messenger had to become one. Twenty six years it lay in the incubator', before it could be born again through me, and could be and was allowed to be passed on. I am almost embarrassed because of the time it took and then also with a reserve before I in true sense could call myself a keeper of my brothers/sisters.
What is the meaning of that which is Revealed? Without consulting other sources for information the following becomes clear. Most importantly is the St. Johns Wort that stands for awareness, the Tree of Life for personal development as well as integration and the Cup - Chalice for selfless love. In addition, the St. Johns Wort is the symbol of the Light; it has been so for time immemorial, it is that which dispels darkness and ghosts. The golden leaves indicate such. The red dots in its heart are the seeds of healing because of the Light in it, especially blue devils and depression, which isnt surprising. It simultaneously symbolizes being-double-rooted in the earth. The Tree of Life as well as the Jewish Menorah represents the Law, in the Jewish religion the instructions given by God for daily usage. Judaism is, in contradiction to Christianity instead of exclusively being a religion primarily a life style advice. It contributes to the concrete harmony within yourself and your surroundings and therefore includes what is called nowadays personal development, integration, becoming whole and inner balance. Finally, the Cup represents the outpouring Grail Chalice, it symbolises selfless love and self sacrifice. Why the Grail presented itself to me in this specific form cannot be answered. The idea, that since the resurfacing of the legend approximately a thousand years ago, the idea of me being the recipient again, is something I thus cant comprehend. As custodian of the Grail I simultaneously felt uninhibited and light as well as profoundly responsible for it.
The fact that the Grail gave up its secret, indicates interference from the Divine in these current times. That it after such a long time especially happens now, gives witness to the critical moment in which humanity finds itself. It reveals the direction we all have to go. The core of his revelation lies in the unity of conscious awareness, personal development and abnegation. That what Ive called the Trinity, it is the central theme of the Grail legend. Shortly put, it comes down to this, that there cannot exist conscious awareness without growth, and there cant be any growth without compassion. This is being illustrated by the story of Parzival, when he first visits the Grail Castle. From the beginning of his life he had been searching for the Grail the eventual lifes mystery that which represents realization. During those years he overcame many obstacles, which represented his personal becoming- and growth process. Thus enriched he finally arrived at the Grail Castle, where the sick king Amfortas resided. Despite everything had had already achieved in his life, the Grail did not fall onto him at that moment, because he forgot to ask the right question, namely the true nature of the Grail: Who serves the Grail?, which is equal to asking about the health condition of the king. Parzival was perhaps destined for the highest, but he lacked compassion and selfless love. Thats why he missed the eventual meaning of the Grail, namely the outpouring Cup. Only after he returned to the Castle many years later, he by then had learned the right lesson, immediately asking the correct question. Only after the realization, that the Grail is the life bringing Chalice for the benefit of everything and everyone did the Kingdom fall onto him.
Conscious realization, personal growth/integration and self sacrifice are like the Way, the Truth, and the Life. In essence they are the same. Surely conscious realization contains the birth of the new Self your centre automatically letting go of your small self your periphery with its self centered striving. Conscious realization is therefore synonymous to self sacrifice, being free of ego, whilst personal growth and conscious realization are also two sides of the same coin. Wholeness is the continuous interaction of the various unprocessed aspects with your reflection and the conscious Self as the condition for optimum integration, balance, and growth. The continuous interaction between Conscious realization and personal growth is conditio sine qua none, because you cannot give yourself if there is nothing to be given. Self sacrifice is the crowning achievement of becoming conscious and whole, the fruit by which they recognise the tree. It is the link that is forgotten far too often. Those who have eyes to see, see it. In this time of ignorance, ego centrism and indifference, also spiritual people are often infected with the growth virus. Self development without sharing it with others, leads to clutter, as a result of which, you poison yourself. Growth and Self-outpouring need to have a fertile relationship with each other, everybody knows those moments. Forgetting yourself makes you incomparably happier then enriching yourself. Self-outpouring is finding the Essence. It adds to life qualities, that we have forgotten: commitment, devotion, sacrifice, unselfishness, disinterested, love and courage. In contradiction to the past when we in practise had to use these values on command, now these qualities spontaneously come forth from our inner process. The one proves to be inseparable from the other. Only after that experience is life truly hallowed, a continuous initiation in its secrets, symbolised by the trinity.Appendix
The esoteric meaning of the Vision goes entirely back to the Great Mother. The St. Johns Wort is very old and is originally from the Middle-East. It was considered as a symbol for vitality, life joy, and fertility. As such the high priestesses used the herb with the love oracle. Women danced with the St. Johns Wort around their hips, this to vitalize their wombs. Female doctors! Of old prescribed it with disorders to the lower body. In fact it has a direct connection with the notion of a Cosmic Womb. Christianity demonised the Mother and made a devil out of Her. At Mary Assumption (sic) the herb was consecrated and then hung in houses, where it protected against the Devil, Evil Spirits and diseases. The herb also got another Protectorate Saint. Then on the Summer solstice (the original peak of all festivals) would be rechristened to the St. Johns feast. The miraculous thing is that the St. Johns Wort curing effect is a very potent one. It is used for menstruation complaints, migraines, depression, wound healing and much more.
The Menorah or Jewish Chandelier is derived from the Canaanite Tree of Life, which turns out to be one of the greatest symbols of the Mother Goddess Asherah. She was also known as the Mother of the Gods. She just like Astarte is mentioned in the Bible repeatedly. Astarte is either a different name for her, or could be her daughter. Her followers addressed her as the Queen of Heaven, she was immensely popular. She was (in) the Holiest of Holies in Salomons temple, the Womb of Astarte it was called. The Song of Songs is a rendering of the love perception from the time of the Mother. This is the reason why Jewish and Christian theologians and scribes have always been uneasy about this topic. As a matter of fact, the patriarchal religions have always wanted to erase memories of the Mother. The entire Bible can be seen as such. It reflects the struggle between the new religion and the old, a struggle between the male and female principle. Although it seems that superficially the first submitted the latter, the undercurrent of the Eternal Feminine is thus that it has never really been destroyed. Now that patriarchy draws the entire humanity down with it to oblivion, we are ushered to Her comeback.
The Grail Chalice is clearly the symbol for the Cosmic Womb. It is the Vessel of Abundance, the Source out of which all originates. She pours It-Self which is the meaning of the blood flow of the Vision, no doubt in the beginning related to menstruation so that everything may be fertile. The Grail is supposed to originate from India, went through Persia and ended up in the Middle East. There she became the chalice of the Evening Meal making it a Christian symbol. Since then there have been countless of myths surrounding this topic. The Grail was situated in Spain, France, Germany or England, dependent on dynamic or national interests. Essential was the merger with the Celtic Vessel of Abundance in the form of a Badb (old Irish Gaelic), a womb, that could resurrect the dead at night. There was a fusion of these powerful symbols, culminating in the different Grail legends, such as those that surfaced in Europe around 10th century AD. The most astonishing legend is that of Parzival of Wolfram of Eschenbach*. He claims to have received inspiration from a certain (Heretic) called Kyot the Provencal, who in his term found the information in Toledo, at that time a blossoming centre of Jewish, Islamic and Christian culture.
*Parzival means he or she who went through the valley (the Cosmic Womb) ( ), whilst de Grail, was called the Sangrael, which respectively meant blood (life) giving Chalice.My Inner Woman
During spontaneous and intense breathing, I came to the deepest experience of my femininity. Bit by bit a primal energy took hold of my body. Every cell was filled with a deep-erotic force. Everything was contained in it, nothing remained behind. I was submerged in an unbelievable fullness, which was strongest in my nipples and pelvic area. My breasts were run through with a deep feeling of pleasure. From an inexhaustible source of Love flowed an intense stream of heat. The erotic bliss was infinitely intense. My Love Heart had opened entirely, from that I felt the entire universe.
Simultaneously my pelvis was taken into this primal energy, an energy that oh so subtlety brought forth a rhythmic movement. My abdomen had never felt so deep and blissful. I felt every movement, every fibre. So Open that I Was! With a total receiving surrender a force entered me, and then it impregnated me with infinite energy, moving from my lower body upwards. The energy had taken total possession of me. Yet I wasnt overwhelmed by it in any way. In silent ecstasy and in open contact with my surroundings I remained perfectly clear. There was only observing and feeling.
This was the Primal Feminine*. Clearly-evidently I realised this. The deepest possible erotic feminine energy had been freed in me. I therefore know that I am also entirely female, I can experience my femininity in a manner that perhaps even very few women have experienced. Moreover there was no relationship to my maleness. No male fantasies, had preceded the experience, nor where there male erotic responses or feelings present at the time of the occurrence. It entirely sprung from itself, out of the deep primal source of Self. What a miracle that was.
*Primal Feminine was a prelude for the later experience of the Great Mother?!To make love and be free Tantra
Around the same period, completely unexpected, I had experienced a very special love night. We were in a great inner rest together, a lot of attention for each other and everything with a great intensity. I was very open, relaxed and clear, she with whom I was, seemed to share this experience. The paradox was this: in the subtle touching and the slow increase of excitement, the relaxation grew only more and more. Emotions flowed like a river to a sea of inner tranquillity, which expanded consciously. In each other and with the least of movement it grew and grew. Until it amounted to a state of ecstatic silence, a Valley of Heavenly Peace Tantra an entirely different kind of orgasm like I had ever known before. For hours I dwelled uninterrupted in this Empty Valley of clear presence, a timeless and boundless condition. A Valley, in which I myself had totally disappeared, dissolved, melted away. I was frenzied with joy. I had opened myself for Paradise. Existence had unveiled a small tip of her veil to me and made me a companion in her ecstasy.
In making love its about harmony, being in resonance with each other. During physical unity it is necessary that you let go of your thoughts. In contradiction to what many people believe, thoughts dont connect. They only convey messages, which is entirely different. Your body, however, exists in permanent vibration. Opening up, and sensing serve the purpose of finding the right frequency, necessary for a mergence. First harmonize with your own body feel to afterwards expand your harmonisation to include the other. Then it moves from sensing to resonating - to merging. When you have disconnected from your thoughts, then simultaneously there is spaciousness. Through this spaciousness transcends contact. The most subtle game arises, by being together in one space in which the merged energy can move freely; in surrendering you are totally there. A lot happens in the realm of the wordless. You and your love have already become one before you (possibly) unite. The Pure multiplies a thousand times itself. Within this context sexual obsession is impossible, e.g. using others for self gratification. It doesnt exclude passion, on the contrary. The subtle ground can release such deep emotions, that can spark a true Love spectacle. It also includes everything that you find normally impossible. "In love everything is allowed" is more than just a saying. In the greatest tenderness you play with each other like dogs, oil each other up with your mutual nectar, enjoy the intense subtleties or there arises a true play fight, never is anything held back. What fits in less (or not at all) is preconceived-ness, the targeted stimulation of each others spots, the giving and taking, as if it is a business transaction, doing it derived from your own wishes, desires, dreams or the verbal violence in the bedroom. This is usually overcompensation for a felt inner lack. Lucky are those, who are left with a hangover over this. Then they at least know what they shouldnt go about it.
At the same time an old friend came to visit. I knew him from my student time as a real posh, who always wore a three piece suit. I couldnt believe my eyes. He was totally dressed in orange, with a necklace, and spoke non-stop about his Indian Master. He left a book for me to read, Tantra (after I had the above mentioned experience!) that I opened randomly and read. Only after reading a few paragraphs I was struck to the deepest core of my heart. There was released in me a Love, so very intense, that it totally took a hold over me. I had never experienced anything like this before. So I wanted to go to him. Thus the word was put into deed. In a few days I had let my assistant cancel six months of appointments, after which I in the beginning of October 1977 went to Poona India. Already from the earliest moment of my journey I had transcended the normal, so much so, that once I was the Ashram, I hardly partook in any activities. I was in another dimension, one of great presence, as a result of which the turmoil around me didnt sink in anymore. During a lecture Bhagwan looked at me long, intensely and penetrating. I felt that He could look right through me. There was nothing in between; I had no resistance, nor substance, whilst I was fully there! The next day It happened. From notes of that time:The Master
It began when I read something written by him*. Immediately, only after a few paragraphs I was struck to my core. His words freed my entire Innerness in an unbelievable simple manner. My heart laughed, shouted with joy. This was the recognition I had been looking for, for so long. And I knew for sure, here is the one who in me can uncover in me, the Truth, the Way and the Life. With him I will go. A fuse was lit, I couldnt go back. My inner fire was encouraged so, that nothing could stop me anymore. In his immediacy I had to burn up wholly entirely, nothing would be spared.
* Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh later known as Osho
There was nothing I held back. My surrender was total. And it happened completely spontaneously, without any preconceived ideas. I - my small self - did not even have a share in the experience. There existed only awareness of the deepest dimension of Love I have had ever known, a suspicion of the dizzying Unknown. I didnt identify with anything, not with his (Bhagwan's) personality, nor with what he was saying. In his presence I was immediately brought to the place without words. From the earliest beginning there was a constant directness, a merging, and a sharing of one common space. I needed nothing. There was only one timeless bright presence that included everything, a spaciousness in which he as well as I disappeared. Even the love fever flowed into the great Cool Heart. What remained was a quality, a state, a deep love-knowing about All and everything.
The moment he looked through me and I without any resistance could simply let it happen for all eternity seemed decisive for what lay ahead. The next day the Great Breakthrough 1) came, completely unexpected. The Transmission pure and direct had take place. And I knew immediately: this I had thanks to one man, enlightened and simultaneously bloated, universal and unbelievably involved with him-self. From the beginning I was aware of his addiction to Enlightenment and misuse of power. A conflict that for years afterwards gave me a hard time to process, it finally brought me the insight that there was a similar darkness in me. I (ego) also imagined that I was the centre of the universe. With the acceptance of the unacceptable I could retake my projection. So am doubly grateful to him. Besides: If the ego is in service of the Self there is nothing wrong with it. How wondrous life is.
India, October 9th, 1977
It happened in that garden. I found myself in an extraordinary condition, which had been going on already for some days. It was a state of being lifted out above ordinary things. People and events did not have the usual appeal anymore. The pattern of acting and reacting had become irrelevant. Something special was happening to me. I was totally overflowing with it. Thoughts had lost their grip on me.
My body and its environment were very much alive and I was experiencing an extraordinary contact with them. Paralleling a spontaneous growth of increased inner clarity, my body gradually became lighter and more transparent. It first started in the feet. There the energy was cleared away like a blanket of fog, leaving behind a bright transparency. While the pureness rose up, any heaviness simultaneously disappeared out of my body till finally my head was filled with a crystal clear clarity. (Note: all this did not happen in my imagination. This is more real than reality.) A circle of energy remained on the crown of my skull.
This circle appeared to be the centre of my actual alertness. I, as well as my surroundings was perceived from here. However, very little was left of myself. Neither the body nor thoughts were able to influence my inner awareness. It was the very quality of Self, enjoying Itself blissfully. I realized that I had found myself in the margin of my actual existence; just one fraction away from the Great Unknown. Intuitively I realized the invitation to the great leap and the consequential necessity of utter surrender.
Suddenly, I was struck by a terrible Lightening and in less than a fraction of a second my existence was wiped out. It was a moment of Absolute Darkness. As my memory has failed to reproduce it - in that Moment there wasn't any memory - the duration of this terrible moment was unknown to me, so I have no idea how long this extraordinary moment has lasted. But I know it was the Dimension of Absolute Nothingness*.
* This Lightning as a "tool" of Absolute Nothingness is the complete destruction of consciousness by the Vacuum or Great Mother. See "Commentary". It is a very archaic motive. For instance, in Ireland the (Vegetation) God Daghda dies by being struck through Lightning after his reign of one year. He, like everything else is governed by the Cauldron of Abundance - the Great Mothergoddess Dana (or Cerridwin) - through Her power of creation and destruction. It grants him the Ultimate Realization: "conquering" death and being resurrected. Only the latter can guide humanity through its greatest challenge: existential fear e.g.fear of Nothingness. Paul understood this and made Jesus the "resurrected One" of Christianity. However, we all should claim our birthright, our inherent power of regeneration. It is the deeper meaning behind the current global crisis.
2. The Great Light
That which immediately followed transcends all attempts of description. A very alive, brightly transparent clarity appeared to be the Only Reality. I was totally absorbed by and dissolved into this Utmost Purity. I Am That, the Eternal Light. Everything else had disappeared into It. Not a trace of my common self had survived. It was Eternity Itself that realized Itself. The whole "outer" world radiated and was exalted and totally transformed. Everything was pervaded by Divine Bliss and incorporated into a fresh, pure and ecstatic Light. It was unwavering and expressed life in its sublimest quality. Everything was dancing. The Eternity Which I Am is timeless and without boundaries. All was joy, benediction, a celebration of unity, the Inexpressible and the dance. As I was possessed by a divine intoxication, I laughed continuously for no reason.
The Oneness THAT I AM including everything "around me" lasted all day. Everything had lost its separate identity, just like me being non-existent, instead possessing eternal quality: the grass, the flowers and the birds. Nothing existed on its own. Nothing fell apart. Without any exception, everything was part of the Whole, everything interconnected, the fabric of life. Absorbed by the same Suchness, everything radiated THAT! Everything being the content of the Eternal, there was not any difference between me, the grass, the flowers and the birds.Their Essence and mine were absolutely identical. I realized I was no better or even different from them. Since then I have known Reality to be the Essence of the interdependence of all things in which everything is equally unique.
In the Purity of the Beyond everything had disappeared. No memory, since the ego dissolved, just knowing, IT knowing ITself. There is no outside" anymore, everything has become absorbed - without leaving a trace - by the Ultimate. Everything appears to be IN YOU, the entire universe is the content of (your") Infinite Space. Therefore the paradox is, that by being Nothing, you are everything. Hence, the Ultimate Nondual State is that of inclusiveness. The last delusion is, that the world is somewhere out there (...). Dividing the One into here" and the world there" is yet another (subtle) form of dualism. The logic is this: the more "your" Consciousness is open, the more there is in. Hence, I am - and everybody Is - the One Mind, the all-Embracing One containing everything. In the Ultimate State Emptiness is form", without any dualism left, beyond any attainment, free even from freedom, a State which is natural, transparent, spontaneous, nothing special. Because everything being part of Me, I love everything like myself.
3. That same night
Destruction Body of the Great Mother
The night after I suddenly woke up. Within a split second I was thrown into a Dark Ocean of Limitless Horror. The very immediate, direct and timeless anguish was both within and around me. At the selfsame moment the body was "decomposing". My "aura", emotions, feelings and thoughts had all disappeared, together with my sense of identity. Moreover, a terrible smell of decay penetrated me, together with a flash in which worms were consuming my body. Deep within, there were waves of deepest ice-cold electricity. My old self - bodymind - had completely gone.
Usually, fear is "within" you. This, however, was totally different. The Horror was a Sea, in which everything of myself has disappeared. The only thing left in this horrifying dark Suchness was my inner clarity, my awareness. In the midst of this very real and hyperactive black ocean, my awareness was also on the verge of dissolving, though. Keeping my alertness was a terrible struggle, while terror and desperation continuously overwhelmed me. It was a matter of life and death.
Keeping up this acute awareness lasted for many hours, as I could not afford one moment of weakness. Although my body (body-identity) was gone, I could only survive through sitting in a vertical zazen position*... I had to sit accurate within a millimeter. The slightest deviation immediately brought me in acute danger of dissolving. Slowly, as the intensity of the terror increased, so my alertness strengthened. Spurred on by the agony of the terror, my awareness was forced to become as intense, timeless and limitless as the black Suchness around me. Consequently my awareness grew gradually and eventually became an ocean as well. From that moment on, the terror slowly weakened and finally disappeared.
* Proof of the correctness of Zen-Philosophy. Upright body position proves to be crucial for optimizing awareness.
Dawn arrived as I looked out of the window. For the first time I realized how long the ordeal had lasted. I also realized that this was the ultimate (spiritual) dying process. I had suffered The Great Darkness ("Death"). It is the underworld in which the hero descends in order to become reborn. Yes, it was really true, that I am a "son/lover" according to the archaic tradition*, and a "delog" (the ones who suffered "The Great Death") according to the Tibetans. The true meaning of the resurrection" has been revealed to me. I was exhausted, but very calm and clear. I felt great benediction and I went out full of gratefulness and enjoyed the early brightness of that wonderful morning. As a Reborn I returned to the world.
* Son/lover of the Great Mother of Sumer and Babylon, later followed by initiation rites of hellenistic religions. Subsequently reshaped by Christianity.
1. In the Original Great Mother Tradition the teaching is directly derived from Realization. It is a fresh start. It is the reason why an account of personal experience e.g. of Ultimate Realization is inevitable and thus has been presented here. Through it everything is directly referred to the Origin. Three crucial Moments have to be distinguished. Unique Moments, which will bring about a decisive turn in spirituality. Usually Enlightenment is considered to be the ultimate Realization. Hence, it is said to be the alpha and omega, the aim of countless practitioners.
The claim of
patriarchy appears to be false. The Ultimate
2. Few are aware of the fact, that the Great Light is "only" one side of a coin of which the Great Darkness appears to be the other. The reason is that the latter is extremely rare. Only in Great Mother Religion, Hinduism and Tibetan Buddhism accounts have been preserved. But even there the link between the Great Light and the Great Darkness has not been elaborated. It may therefore come as a shock to you: Enlightenment is part of a polarity and because of that cannot be the Ultimate Oneness. There must be something Beyond. The key to this is Absolute Nothingness, "caused by" Cosmic Lightening as has been described above. In the selfsame Moment as it struck, existence was wiped out in Absolute Emptiness*. It is the empirical "proof" of the Vacuum.
3. Now everything makes sense. The Light, Being, the Divine appears not to be a "dimension on its own", but has been born out of the Void, Emptiness...There thus appears to be a "Mother and Son" relationship between the two. Both the Great Light as the Great Darkness ("Endarkenment") are aspects of the Vacuum Beyond, of the Womb*. Thus Absolute Nothingness is the Essence of the Great Mother, Enlightenment (Her Light Body) is Her Creative Aspect, while the Great Darkness is Her Destruction Body**. It corresponds fully with the archaic notion of the permanent destruction and rebirth. Everything without exception - including the Divine - is born out and returns to the Great Mother. As the Matrix of Life, She embraces all existence. Through Her everything is interrelated as all religions are of one family. She is the true Context of life, the common denominator of all religions.
* The terminology could give rise to misunderstanding. Both the Vacuum/Essence of the Great Mother as well as Her Destruction Body are called "The Great Darkness". Better is to call the former "Absolute Nothingness", while the latter is "the Underworld". See also "Autobiography".
**The Ultimate Realization is thus
threefold: Absolute Nothingness,
4. Recently, I realized that my stay in the Underworld reflects the myth of the moon hero, the one who is confronted with the destructive "negative" aspects of the Mother. A moon hero is the one who is swallowed by the abyss (think of Jonas in the whale). This is exactly what happened to me. Within fractions of seconds my ego, body awareness en energy were destroyed by the horrors of darkness. If the ego is everything you are - like in most people - you are hopelessly lost. You either become psychotic or even may die. "Intuitively", I understood that only conscious awareness could save me. That's why I immediately took the Zen meditation position. Keeping my inner clarity - my True Self - was a matter of life and death. The miracle: watching the horror without one moment of letting go, lasting several hours, leaning heavily on the angst, caused my awareness to grow accordingly. Or, with other words: my awareness got stronger and stronger all the time. Until it was so bright that the horror slowly subsided. Now I know that this is the journey of the moon hero. The latter's quest is to overcome existential angst. It is an inner process, contrary to a sun hero who's aim it is to overcome obstacles in the outer world. The sense of triumph isn't less, though, it is a invincible feeling, indeed. I am not afraid of the forces of darkness (nor of "negative" women) anymore. On the contrary, cooperating with them in the right way - let it happen, while watching with maximum awareness - makes you "The One Who Is Truly Reborn". In the Maya tradition it was the king who's main duty it was to mediate between Heaven, Earth and the Underworld......
* Contrary to the patriarchal sun hero.
5. Are we - just like 2000 years ago - at the eve of
a worldwide spiritual-religious turning point? Many who have read The Lap of the
universe"* think so. Others are hoping it dearly. This book is the witness of a new
era. The Divine exists, but appears not to be the Ultimate Reality. Both the Eternal Light
and Darkness are nouminous aspects of the Mother. Her Depth is the Beyond of the
Beyond, the Vacuum, the Womb, the Lap of the universe. Hence, the beginning of the
universe isnt male" but female" - in Reality of course neither
of the two - it is (can be named) the "Great Mother". Therefore,
God", Being, Light is not the Father, but the Son. The world isn't a creation,
but a birth. The Light is born in the bottomless Abyss of The Mother. Everything,
including God is born out of Her, while returning in the same Eternal Moment. The purpose
of life is therefore to continuously die and being reborn, while subsequently becoming
part of Her Web of Life - Heaven, earth and the (new) community - once again.
See also: Vacuum physics
What I then realized was, that my stay in India (for the total time of merely nine days ) was now finished and I had a job to do at home. I now had the courage to get a divorce, no matter how painful. I then travelled to The Hague to appear before the armys inspection commission, after I, once again, submitted my service refusal stating that I am not allowed under any circumstance to kill my fellow man'. Even if those murders are sanctioned by the government. Thus was my statement of refusal. It was approved.
I passed on my medical practice to my younger brother, who had just graduated. Now the path was laid before me, for what would become ten years of uninterrupted bliss. With equity from the house and land a God sent gift I could live for at least a while. It became a voluntary drifters existence in utter carefreeness. I was completely brought down by the Divine, so much so, that I could not attach myself to the world. I had literally lost my mind (but not my clear consciousness!) and wasnt able to function normally. Mental functions such as remembering, future orientation, ambition, efficiency, and even personal care dissipated. In the Emptiness that I was, societal responsibilities had lost their grip upon my being.
The Ultimate Sutra
Around the same time the following happened. In the middle of the night I awoke and just had to get out of bed. There was a clear-bright omnipresence, a certain transparent charge in the house. Automatically, as by an invisible hand not I, but It was moving me I went to the table with pen and paper, and soon thereafter It had written a number of verses, all in English. I myself didnt have to do anything, only admit it to happen. My impulses where guided by Nothingness. I didnt think of anything, nor did something arise in my mind. Everything happened completely simultaneous. I was in harmony with It, without It making itself specially known. It however was not an entity, but exclusively the omnipresent transcendence that made me write. Everything happened completely natural.
After a while It fell away and I was done writing. Flabbergasted I
awed the result. It was deeply profound what had been jotted to paper, striking as a
Buddhist treat of sixteen parts, dedicated to the Great Mother, with
awakening, acceptance, friendship, surrendering and action as pillars. The title was given
to me at the end: The Ultimate Sutra. The only thing I have changed in the
entire peace is the first sentence. It said Maitreya Buddha instead of
Fully Awakened One, this to prevent misconceptions. I know that Reality
includes all forms, identifying oneself with only one form or shape does not correspond
with the Reality that I Am. The readers however arent aware of this. They could have
easily concluded that I may have wanted to create a pedestal for myself. Reality however
is endlessly richer. When you are Nothing having realized the Ultimate then
you are everything. You encompass past, present and future together: all enlightened and
non-enlightened ones of all times. So what does it mean to have pretensions?
Yet another example, of how everything is different in Reality.
How grand life Is. So I stared in amazement to what had been written. Not too long after I also wrote an explanation. The Sutra is an invitation to realise your Original Nature through becoming aware, acceptance, friendship, surrendering and action. It was written into the I-form. This makes it easier for your Deepest Being to be in resonance with it. Therefore, read the Sutra for yourself from an I perspective. All levels are present in everyone in you, in you and in you without exception: everyone is unlimited let the words resonate within your Being again and again. Use it as a prayer. Let it reach harmony with deep layers within yourself, attune to the indefinable within you. Every time it will give you other and possibly deeper insights. If the first part is too difficult, then read the explanation in the second part*.
* Continue to the next Chapter: The Ultimate Sutra.Continuation
I remember a time where I sat uninterrupted in a chair for six weeks, in holy indifference unable to do anything so much so, that I even wasnt interested in eating anymore. Also needs like pleasure, work, livelihood, material gain, comfort or developing myself were absent for a long time. Outward influences did not reach my psyche; there was no resonance with them. Because I permanently vacated in the different dimension, I neglected my body, my health, my social contacts, my obligations and my orientation on society. Because I was permanently on a different wavelength, these things did not sink in with me; they couldnt sink in with me. And all this was without a set-up, without any predetermination. I did nothing to maintain It. Everything was As It Was, I had no ability to facilitate any change. I was helpless, a prisoner in Eternity. Life was one timeless moment to me; I lived as a child in Gods arms, a fool, not of this world, as carefree as the lilies in the field. That I would have to pay a price for this later, I could not fathom then.
To begin, I was cruising across the entire country on my bicycle. It was a special time in which I was completely connected with nature. This boring country was suddenly magically transformed into a grand adventure, simply because I moved differently in it. Regularly in the middle of the night, with a shining moon, I would bicycle past knotty white willows; something as simple as this would leave an unforgettable impression. I therefore decided to be voluntarily homeless for a while, and crossed around in winter, in the afternoon not knowing where I would end up in the evening. I visited friends or simply knocked on doors for a place to stay, after that I lived on a small boat for a while, I walked a lot in nature, and had many erotic adventures. I also wrote a record of my experiences and poetry Butterfly in the Eternal Valley was the name of my first book and I organised once a month my famous fasting meditation circles. Programs lasting a week, in which bodily and spiritual/mental cleansing happened parallel to each other. Fasting and colon cleansing, together with massages and daily walks where the basis, with pillars like relaxation, body awareness and meditation. It was a formula that in the years after was duplicated in many other places. As an extension I initiated from 1981 1984 the yearly fasting meditation peace walks. In five days a group of approximately one-hundred people would walk thirty kilometres a day, fasting in silence, the framework of inner and outer peace. For many these walks where unforgettable, many real friendships arose through it. One of the many names I want to mention is that of Bruno Mertens, he was in his seventies and walked every year.
In the Zen tradition they talk about Zen sickness, it is a phenomenon, in which, after a large or smaller enlightenment experience an enormous amount of energy is freed. It can manifest itself in an unstoppable urge to ramble, but also manifests itself in the uncontrollable urge to move. As if the time on my bicycle wasnt enough, I again walked for a couple of years! Many hours, often more than eight hours a day, I walked aimlessly through the city as a fool without a plan or thoughts. Every week I also visited meditative dancing, whilst in addition to that still bicycled a lot as well. The urge to move and consciousness stimulated each other back and forth. I walked in a boundless invisible space that perfectly directed my body, limited by total freedom. Not I was walking, but It was walking me. Especially when I didnt run ahead of myself, but was in alignment with the Moment, my walking was optimal. Continuously primal gestures took over my normal walk. These could take on the most wondrous forms, from completely insane, tottering as a goose, swift as a panther, stamp as a child, an iron military march or extremely subtle as if I walked on velvet, erotic-orgasmic until a complete stand still. At the same time for almost a year and a half I daily underwent my kundalini and visited Indian concerts regularly, in which I discovered the silent music. Instead of the regular experience in which you drift off in the music, the music disappeared in my inner space, so much so, that the silence and the music merged. The music disappeared in spaciousness; whilst at the same time arose from it. Meanwhile, during the visit of the Pope to Holland, I organised the first Dutch "Heresy Council' *, a special happening, of whom many people think back on.
* Emmy van Overeem, at that time editor of religion for Elsevier Magazine held a deep interview with me that was published, I think back on it with fondness.
I am also very thankful to all those dear women that I was allowed to embrace into my arms. Amongst which some great and less great loves. While I needed being appreciated, they enjoyed my complete genuineness, pure space-giving Being. Never did I use them for my own satisfaction; I was always genuinely in love. I wasnt looking for sex, though more for togetherness, something that always resounded. Subtle base-connection was the magic word. By not wanting anything, everything was given to me. Because I fulfilled their need for more than the average, I felt enormously confirmed as an eternal lover. Very often True Oneness transcended the being together, merging with the Great Consciousness. Where two in my Name come together also got a very interesting interpretation. How great the love was and how it favoured me! Until on one day, everything suddenly dropped off of me. Whist the day before the air was still vibrant of the always present erotic intensity, this suddenly disappeared entirely. Nothing resonated of clicked anymore. Not one single woman pleased me, or responded to me anymore. It was however not a moment of sadness, rather a weight had dropped off my shoulders. I recognized the addictive aspect, the subtle narcissism that as an undercurrent continuously had played a part. I was free! I had conquered my addiction by consciously giving in to it. There followed four years of spontaneous complete celibacy. A time in which I could turn my energy to a number of causes that werent picked up earlier. That the energy would be desperately needed, would become apparent in the time to come. As yet I lived in paradise, where the Great Experience revealed Itself again.AMSTERDAM
That morning everything flowed. I felt so strong, bright and clear. I did everything spontaneously without thinking. I continuously gave in to something, without knowing what it was. Feeling very free, I left the house without any goal or plan. I felt absorbed by joy. Like a child I skipped through the streets. I enjoyed a blissful overflowing feeling of being at home in the world. I sat down on a terrace.
As I was reading: "the sound of a stone against a bamboo", suddenly Something penetrated my surroundings and me. I was immediately absorbed by It. My awareness had become one with the Ocean of Being. It was limitless and undisturbable. Perception was unable to penetrate or create any ripples in It. An entire Other Reality had replaced everything else. This was something "in between", an inner connectedness of things. Everything, objects and events, remained as it was before but without any meaning of itself. They were stripped of any "apartheid".You are always in the middle of IT
It was everywhere, eternally peaceful, tranquil, crystal clear and fresh. Thoughts were rare and had become insignificant. They had no power anymore and were unable to stir other thoughts. They were like empty particles emerging and then disappearing. There were neither emotions or concerns. It was replaced by blissful ecstasy where body and mind ceased any activity of their own. I was absorbed in total Other-Worldliness. There was just That, the Suchness which had replaced everything else. The entire visible world was both in It and outside It. But the "outside" had become meaningless. I could see a clock, but time did not make sense. My brain had stopped functioning and my state was timeless and limitless.
There was no urge to do anything. I just laughed like a madman because I was so full of joy. There was realization of "this is It"; "this is so simple"; "how blissful This is" and "what a fool I am". Everything fell away. Nothing was separate. However, things and events remained unchanged and went on as usual. The waiter still served on the terrace and the traffic still went by.
For one and a half-hours nothing provoked any reaction in me whatsoever. It did not respond. It remained undisturbable in Itself. Then, on its own accord It subsided. Slowly leaving behind great wonder in me. Everything was new, refreshed and every footstep was my first. I as well as my entire surroundings was equally dear and precious. We were part of the same Whole. It was the third Great Experience in my life.
Dancing to me is a special occurrence. Always before a period of silent anticipation and preparation, an almost hollowed atmosphere, arises. I make sure not to eat too much, and seriously not to drink any alcohol. Then when the moment is right, when I am between the dancers, the first thing I do is connecting with my foot soles in conscious awareness with the ground. Millimetre after millimetre I sense whether or not a connection has been made. From out of that I consciously scan my entire body and posture, for example the contact my skin makes with the fabric of my clothes, and make sure my breath is freely flowing. Only after this do I open myself to the music, whilst at the same time I stay conscious of my body and feet. In listening I dont only open my ears, but my entire body to the music, by feeling the vibrations of the music on my skin and within my body; they penetrate each other and start to resonate. The body is then taken away on the music.
In the beginning, before of this I could land into the most frenzied ecstasies, ecstasies out of which original gestures arose. It commonly so happened that I became a dragon, a monkey, or a bird, to then transcend it, and leave everything behind. Out of great inner silence and presence I completely merged with the movement, in which nothing of my old self remained. Later however a silence came over me that is in no way describable. A silence that first arose from inside of me - while my body unhindered without any intent or limitation went up in the music the former then bit by bit spread over my entire body. The inner silence had an outer silence as consequence, they merged after some point. Still I stood, from that moment on there is always a moment of conscious inner leap everything flows out of me and the environment. I myself am empty and the environment has become only a shadow, the music and those dancing no longer exist. While the people around me think I am nuts, for me there is only silence left, clear presence, beauty, subtle joy and spaciousness. So that everything through that Is there!
Down here you will find the
incredible story about my almost daily
My head in Kundalini
It usually happened when in sitting meditation: a shiver of both cold and warmth, an erupting delight, trembles, vibrations and shaking emerged from the base of the spine and made their way upward. It is an orgiastic experience, the discharge of a current of energy which provides infinite delight. There is no telling whether it is hot or cold. It is both. The body is burned up and cleansed at the same time. One's awareness is at the border of blissful downfall. It is sooner accompanied by panting, groaning, calling out and orgiastic screaming.
As it rises upward along the spine there is a shaking and shivering and when it reaches the head, which may happen very quickly or even at the same moment, the corners of the mouth and eyes may at first turn completely upward and the latter then open up wide, as much on the left as on the right. The head then joins in waves of violent trembling and shaking, an ecstatic frenzy. Everything has now been turned upside down and nothing remains of the original posture. Once the "typhoon" has passed, complete awareness has usually been reinstated, an awareness which was never entirely gone, a straight back, a relaxed posture with the unfocussed gaze against the back of the eyelids followed by a profound sense of peace and relaxation.
When awareness and the straight posture once again completely coincide and one is above all conscious of the centre of the lowermost part of the spine, there often proves to be additional energy which then contracts in a circle on the crown of the head. In this state a contracted, forceful field of energy is sealed off from the rest of the roof of the skull. It is a centre of aware presence from which everything is viewed. All that was beneath it has now been released and has become completely transparent, open and free.
Basically, two things may now happen. The complete relaxation of one's body coupled with the intensely clear awareness of the centre of the lowermost part of the spine - the centre of the imaginary axis of the "hollow bamboo" - and the relaxed opening and widening of both eyes whereby the "hollow bamboo" diametrically widens - will once again spark off the fire reflex. The repeating of this a second, third or numerous times may result in such upward vehemence that there is an eruption extending to even above the head of exploding, lightning and totally dissolving ecstatic orgasms, moments in which one ceases to exist.
My body in Kundalini
Or else the field of contracted energy and upper awareness may gradually dissolve without the generating of new upward-flowing energy. From clear awareness the ebbing-away yields an extremely subtle inner bliss. At a certain point the head then starts leaning forward and the mouth and eyes become smaller, contracted and slightly pursed. The head together with the shoulders slowly moves forward and the current of energy flows downward from the mouth, throat and chest to the abdomen. The forceful breathing out through the mouth is often accompanied by hissing sounds like those of a snake or "dragon". The hissing is an overall event of enjoying the force available which originates from the abdomen.
Once it is over, one is clearly aware of the course of breathing in the abdomen which is deep down, completely relaxed, free and minimal. This then is the end of the kundalini-cycle. In most instances I thankfully fall forward or find myself having spontaneously touched the ground with my forehead.
I then experience myself from another center of consciousness. In it there is space coupled with freedom, clarity, equanimity and directness. A state transcending happiness and unhappiness with nothing interfering. Neither thoughts nor feelings ripple the surface of the water. Nothing from either within or without can disturb the inner peace. Everything goes without saying. No need to add to this state, to interpret, comment on it nor judge it. Eventually it is a complete peace free of the urge to do anything. There were daily experiences which lasted at least one and a half years.
Bicycling was for a longer time one of my favorite activities. When riding, I always feel my feet on the paddles. Then I open myself for the contact my pelvis makes with the saddle, I subsequently let my buttocks sink into the saddle. Through that I experience an upward moving force that is proportional to the degree of relaxation. I no longer peddle forced from my feet, but receive energy from my pelvic area. My pelvis becomes a generator through which my movements are light, but also full of power. I have the feeling; I no longer have to do it myself. The energy comes from a different source. Through further connecting with other parts of my body and breath my bicycling is completely in balance. Me and my bike cycle as one organism. There is a great harmony within an around me. Now different things can happen.
Is my attention for example completely focused on my pelvic area and
the movement of my legs both are merged with my bicycle, and then the stored energy can
flow out as a waterfall into the movement. Without doing it myself, enormous
power can be released in cycling. It is a force that is beyond me and that my bike can
barely harness. My bicycle almost succumbs under the raging force and my speed rises above
the unbelievable. No professional biker could reach an equal level when I am in such a
However, when I am totally focused on the experience as a whole, then in cycling I am everywhere all at once, inside as well as outside, then my inner clarity can be switched on, in such a way that it suddenly transcends me. From one moment to the next there is only great clarity. The energy of bicycling flowes into that spaciousness of consciousness, so that I no longer feel I am cycling. Bicycling then dropps off. It becomes utterly subtle, becomes very slow and without any resistance. There is only that One Moment of clarity in which I as well as my environment are absorbed. Complete silence then takes hold of me.
Then the day came, that I wanted to organize and pass all this on to
anyone who would want to hear it. After Butterfly in the Eternal Valley (1979
Publisher De Driehoek) the first account of my Birth I wrote the first
version of Song of Perfection (Later to becone "Son/Lover of The Cosmic
Mother") and then wrote Living Zen, a booklet on meditation. By
connecting the East (Zen) and the West (body awareness) it created a new direction, a new
school, the Living Zen School was born. Through the Fasting-Meditation Circles people
could come into contact with it, something which functioned exceptionally well for many
years. Yet I didnt have the ambition to continue with Zen. To me it had
a too narrow basis. I realized that I was meant for yet something else,
something for which I still had a long way to go. But because Living Zen
however hasnt lost anything in actuality or force, the integral text has reappeared
as a chapter in another (Dutch) book. Anyone can try. Those who want to follow the real
Zen regime as well as those who are looking for an easier way, will
benefit from it. The essence of the exercise is feeling awareness, the
continuous feedback between clear consciousness and body contact, so much so that they
intensify each other. Through that you first become your body in order to transcend it.
The Cycle Completed
It was so subtle, so delicate and hardly noticeable that I do not remember the exact moment. I was suddenly absorbed by an omnipresent tranquil Clarity. Immediately this tranquillity took away every urge to do anything whatsoever. A completely otherworldly Presence appeared to be there: a silent Equanimity. I remained lying on the same spot and I felt deeply tired. It was special because I felt heavy and light at the same time. While falling asleep, I remained aware with sleep and alertness fusing together. My body was heavy and my mind transparent and without thoughts.
After one hour I finished sleeping and the brightness of my awareness had grown remarkably. My body was not an entity of its own anymore. It was light and felt very easy. There was no resistance, no obstacles, no special sensations and no weight. It had simply dropped off and was absorbed by the lightness of Limitless Being: in Oneness. In this One Space neither inner nor outer existed.
The acts "I did" were entirely spontaneous, straightforward and direct. Walking, sitting, making tea and rearranging the room was totally effortless and unbelievably light. There was no me in the doing.
Discrimination of the brain had fallen off. The world had ceased to be an accumulation of things-on-their-own. Now it existed and appeared as a unity: a limitless space; a continuum of interdependent events. Since all obstructions of the mind, such as discrimination, commentaries, meaning, associations, concepts, interpretations, conclusions and judgements had passed away, the world appeared as it is: direct and simple. Everything "around me" was part of the Original Freshness. It is a state of awareness where breathing almost disappears completely. This state is the highest possible Simplicity.
This is the Original Homeland. It is all embracing. Everything is as it is; perceptions are no longer able to leave any impression on the mind. There is not anything to impress on. Consciousness is not only empty; it has no substance of its own. No sense of identity either. It is a non-existence and is utterly unmoved by what "it sees". Emptiness is the seeing.
The usual stress in one's head is totally absent. There is just an omnipresent lively silent Transparency. Although events continue to happen as usual, their energy, their charge, their life and their attraction has disappeared. They are like shadows. Existence is just One Eternal Moment. Thinking of the next moments is impossible, it does not occur to you. You have been switched on into timelessness. You cannot "look outside". You are a prisoner of The Eternal.
How sweet is this. How pure and fresh! Yes, you are a prisoner, yet your freedom is absolute. You are not concerned at all with the world "around you"; there is no urge whatsoever to interfere. There are no worries and no emotions. It is a move into a very subtle equanimity where you are in the world but not of it. No special events occur. There is neither excitement nor bliss, joy nor ecstasy. No special "spiritual experience". As awareness is insensible to whatever there is, it totally transcends here and there. It is inclusive.
The mind has disappeared. You are no more there. There are no thoughts, no energy, no identity, no self-awareness and no awareness. There is just this All Pervading Void. A Valley of Divine Calm. In this Eternal Moment, I am all that was, is and will be. I am the All Embracing One; I embody all Buddhas of all times simultaneously.
This was the most "common" of my first four Great Experiences. It showed me the Bottomless Ground of existence in its simple perfection, directness and transparency; nothing special, nothing holy. With it the Cycle of Enlightenment has been completed. The highest Self-Realization thus brought me back to everyday life. There is no substance, no "Enlightenment in between" anymore. A life in which I am equal to the grass, the trees, the lily and the pond.The essence of Enlightenment: a rebirth into the world
PS. The poems have been translated with my limited abilities with regard to the English language.
© 1999 copyright by Han M. Stiekema. All rights reserved.