3. MY CHILDHOOD
Natural medical doctor 4. ON THE "OTHER SIDE"
The Great Experiences/Ten years of uniterrupted Bliss
Vision of the Grail
My Inner Woman
To make love and be free Tantra
REVELATION OF THE GREAT MOTHER
THE GREAT LIGHT
THE GREAT DEATH/THE UNDERWORLD
The Ultimate Sutra
Amsterdam, August 1980
Nothing Is/The Cycle
5. DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL
(Sermon of the Valley)
The Return 7. TERESA OF AVILA
Teresa of Avila
A Miracle/PilgrimCare 8. MY LIFE'S MYTH
9. LAMENT FOR THE PLANET
10. THE GREAT MOTHER
Great Mother Hymn 12. EPILOGUE
The Green Grass ABOUT THIS
In these most critical of times the Great Mother has revealed Herself to the world. She did this by means of Her unworthy servant Han Marie, without any doing on his part in an inconceivable way Her servant and messenger, custodian of the Grail. This is the praise song on existence by Han Marie, who after long lingering must obey the Mother's assignment to spread Her universal message to humanity, to the honour and glory of Her, from Whom everything, without exception is being born. May this song of praise, lamentation, love song be the gate to a turn about, unity in diversity and reconciliation of all people, yes, the restoring of the wholeness of the whole existence.
What a scarcity nowadays to finding someone, who does not go along with the all-dominating addiction pattern. Homage! He * is like a lighthouse on an earth-dark island. Yet you will find these Hoffnungsträger more and more. These people send their light tirelessly in all directions. However, who wants to sail on their compass? Who lets himself lead by them? One after the other is suffering shipwreck and drowns pitifully in the waves. Their "treasures" lie rotting on the floor of the sea. They have meant nothing to nobody, yes even to themselves they were a source of misfortune. The light beacons on the other hand are a joy for themselves and others. The Great Mother looks at them with pleasure.
* For he she can be read and the other way around.
False kings have taken possession of power. They have changed the earth into a vale of tears. They go to any length with plundering her body, beauty and fruits. Everywhere where they come, they leave behind their marks of decay and destruction. Their self-indulgence knows no borders. Their claws make a grab at the entire earth. A number of them are proud to be a "god person". Others think, that they are superior to the "rest". Isn't this appalling? They ride roughshod over the Law of the Universe. Their accumulations, however, have exceeded the critical limit. Emptiness no longer tolerates them. Mother's wrath descend on us with all its weight. Blessed are those, who obey Her Law. Because they will be saved.
Ah, when I look at my own soul, then I see everything there what I also see around me. If I am honest, then nothing is strange to me. Me also going along with the flow of general malaise. How hasn't laziness taken possession of me? That it has come up to this point. It is painful to having recognise, that I worked myself into a marsh. Whereas I function "neatly", my restlessness has not yielded from me. Sometimes it seems that all "working on myself" is totally useless. Things that I thought to have "processed", suddenly emerge once again. I have to recognise, that I haven't reached the perfection by a long chalk. How long can I still carry on this? I cannot pull myself up with my own hair. To extend my hands to you....I am not yet accustomed to it. How long are You still giving me, Mother?
Nothing is my complaint compared to the suffering of the trampled on. Those who harvest daily hunger, who are infested with calamities, who has to live with disease and needs, who are chased like animals, humiliated, despised, tortured and murdered, everything in the name of inevitability. I know myself being part of the cause, of aware genocide. But do I feel it also? How often don't I turn myself away? It is being made really easy for me. Everyone is sleep walking after all, everyone suffers from collective forgetting. That our "normality" in fact is a morbid addiction - where by we enrich ourselves at the cost of the poor - therefore rarely occurs to us. Only if I am close to my Self, it becomes clear again. Flares of notion make me awake with fright. O, my god, what must I do with my life?
How it helps in this distress to get in tune with your Reality. You, the Cosmic Womb which embraces everything without exception. Peace and joy come then over me. My spirit is part of Your Light Body, while my body is part of Your web of life. This notion gives me strength, my feet feel secure ground. I have retrieved my place in the universe. You are the refuge for us all, nobody excluded. Both people, the animals, the trees, the plants, the grass, the rivers, the rocks and the clouds: all find in You their Home. How pitifull was my existence still just now; how unreal seems that now. While having been cut off, thrown upon myself and miserable, in You I am linked with all and everyone.
If I then walk through nature and with each step Your splendour reveals itself more, then I cannot but bringing my hands gratefully at each other. How dear are the trees, the flowers in the grass, the rustling of the leaves and the warm rays of the sun to me. Help me to be open for Your grace! Constantly you are inviting me to receive. Letting me share in your abundance is Your lust and Your life. Nothing excluded. From You the Truth, the Way and Life are born. Restlessly I search for the protection of Your Security. While surrendering myself to You, You grant me Your divine Light. Once and for all I desire to give up my self-centered life. To make myself part of Your web of life web again is the True Life. Praised are You in Eternity. Amargi!*
* Greeting from ancient Sumer 2300 BCE. It means "Freedom" or "Return to the Mother".
I feel the urge to express myself. You who know Yourself to be remembered in me, carries me on your wings back to the Source. Everywhere it whispers: do go, do it, don't be afraid. How lovingly, that you draw me in your Vacuum. You who transforms fear into trust. Blindly and with the eyes open, I realise your awe-inspiring Abyss. Not to anticipate yourself, to be invited, that is the royal Way. With each step She grants me a new treasure. Entering the Valley leads me continuously to new heights. How subtle is the notion, that has established itself in me. Until She extends my awareness to Her Measure: You who is rewarding your willing servant with the ultimate Realization. Joy, tears!
Your return into the history of the humanity is the greatest Blessing of all times. The continuity of the Eternal-Feminine is restored by it. I still cannot grasp, that You have chosen me as your vehicle. Without me having contrived it in any way, You sent me an envoy who informed me about my future mission. I brushed it aside. Until a number of years afterwards Your Message - the Vision of the Grail - descended from clear sky. Although it made a deep impression on me, I wasn't able to take it seriously. Nor did I worry too much about the content. Until You - suddenly and totally unexpected - revealed YourSelf in the Threefold Realization. This was too much for me. At one go you "turned my whole life upside down".
Since then I know: everyone who surrenders him/her will be saved by Her. Aren't we the cause of our own misery? Finally we are it ourselves, who turned us away from Her. It is the own choice which She has given to us. How lovingly She let us stew in our own juice. Like no other She knows, that only suffering from ourself makes us return to Her, after all. With regard to this, She still has someting in store for us. Haven't we thoroughly spoiled it nowadays? Thinking that "have, have and still more have" brings us the eternal happiness. What a stupidity, how backward indeed. And then we think still to be the crown of creation! Really, I can't take it no longer.
The ants, the butterflies, the bees, the mosses, the mushrooms, the dolphins, the monkeys and the reindeers: they represent intelligent life. They know that optimal living is only possible, if you make yourself part of the framework of existence. How can you live if you are not a part of it? Life that cries out to us for wholeness. Hence, throw everything that hinders you from you. Freed from the cocoon of self-centeredness, indifference and impotence. Become truly free. Subsequently look around you: direct without something still being in between. Breathe the fresh air in and out. A shout with joy comes up in you: I Am here again, I see It again, I again feel everything. Everything is equally dear to me. And: I am there for you, and for you and for you....
Trial and error characterizes the way. Nobody escapes from that. Be happy about it! Because with each "setback" the Mother will increase your desire for Her. How superficial is on the other hand life of those, who are doing well. There is no reason whatsoever to be jealous on them. Don't let yourself seduce by promises of eternal happiness. Don't follow false prophets. Life is taking place in the Here and Now. Exactly as it occurs. Nothing more and nothing less. Be aware, be continuously open to it. Watch and feel. The deeper your pain, your anger and your fear come, the deeper the layers that will be addressed. That's why the Mother continuously increases the dosis. Let yourself prize. Pain is the "crowbar" to further realisation.
Do not lament also about your "lack of progress". No steps from A to B have to be made. Your luck does not lie in the future. That which you are searching for is present from eternity. It is your own deepest Being. As It is there uninterruptedly, you only have to open up yourself to It. You only have to whisper: Mother, here I am, incorporate me in Your Blissfulness. Have mercy on me. And this not only one time. O, no. This continues infinitely this way. The Mother knows about our half-heartedness, indifference and laziness. She knows you, before you knew yourself. Not for nothing is She the ultimate Healer, the Source of continuing regeneration. Therefore tune yourself continuously in on Her - by prayer, "remembrance", surrender and meditation - and She will give you everything you need..
A certain austerity is not strange to Her. Be honest: isn't she forced to that? This is however but one aspect. The mother embraces life in its totality, nothing excluded. There is nothing that is rejected by Her. Therefore, please Her by living and enjoying optimally. Begin with embracing your own body: feel, move, dance, make love, be lustful, celebrate it. Carnival was (is) not for nothing the festival at the honour of the Mother! Yes but, you will say...all those people, who unconsciously behave themselves excessively, is that all at pleasure to the Mother? Indeed. All those people celebrate life at their level. The ignorant are indeed not to blame. If, on the other hand you have ever received a glimpse of awareness, then from that moment on you are obliged to it. By falling back in such a situation, you thus actually have to blame yourself.
That is the function of "conscience". Once you know, then is there is no way back. The promise of further opening is at the same time your obligation to it. You are forced to lean heavily on the best in you. Nietzsche called this the "inner tyrant". Aware living is constantly building bridges to the Unknown. It is the restless longing for the Source. Moments of peace, clarity, insight and connectedness are always once again varying with periods, in which you feel "being thrown upon yourself". Know under any circumstance, that you are in good hands. She "always keeps you a hand above your head". No matter how desolate you will be sometimes, know that you are guided by your Mother's eternal wisdom.
Someone who had understood this excellently, was Teresa of Avila. If she was in a crisis she asked: please, Lord give me more of it. What an incredibly insight speaks from that. She realised, that only if pain tears you apart deeply, longing for wholeness will be aroused. Suffering is not the problem. It is our tepidity, which causes most of the damage. Continuously falling between two stools, is what weighs down on us. To be locked up in the cage of our own creations, is just choking. The width of the Womb on the other hand points us the way to freedom. Giving up our old me - "to die" - in order to become reborn as a new Self. Isn't that our deepest longing?
How doesn't the Mother meet our wishes? She understands our desperate situation as no other. It is the reason for Her Motherly intervention. Hence, She started with giving us a hold. That is the meaning of the Vision of the Grail*. It started with St.John's Wort as the symbol of Enlightenment. Here the Mother confronts us with our head task which is Awakening. Giving up our addiction, to take the step from ignorance to liberation. This was followed by the Jewish Menorah - the seven arms candlestick - which means, that we subsequently have to work on the integration e.g. restructuring of our life, transforming our individuality into a whole human being. Which found its pinnacle in the Grails' Chalice with its inexhaustible flow of blood: to continuously pour ourselves out and giving as the ultimate fulfilment.
That expanse in which we all find security, isn't that impressive? We start to feel something of it, when we look up at night to the universe. You feel at the same time lost and protected. Now the true nature of Nothingness dawns to us. Were we first scared, now we see how It embraces everything. Being Nothing, you are everything! This realizing it is also not entirely strange anymore, when I say, that "not God created the world out of nothingness", but that "Nothingness is continuously giving birth to both the Divine and the universe". God is not the "Father", but the Son. This way it was in ancient times, before patriarchate took over power. It corresponds to findings from the new physics, in which the primordial energy originates from the cosmic Vacuum. Whereas it is likewise certain, that the "light emerges from darkness".
This confronts us with our most fundamental problem: our fear of Nothingness. Isn't it so, that we had to conquer our "I" against the background of the danger to fall back on the darkness of the womb? It is the engine behind the obsession of "progress". Even standing still is experienced as "decline". Fear of nothingness is the energy behind "growth", "progress" and "expansion" at all levels. With all the consequences for individual and collective life. This mechanism - a cancer growth: the entanglement of science, technology and economy - totally holds our existence in its grip. It cries out to become recognised, unmasked, exposed and integrated. So that the desastrous consequences on people and earth can become reversed.
That what threatens us most, prove to be our greatest rescue. At first sight this time is one of decline and disintegration. At a closer look this may also become interpreted as the movement from the periphery towards the centre. After the expansion - when it can't take it anymore - development turns into involution. Without spiritual insight this is all rather meaningless. Nobody sees the fun of being forced to beating the "retreat". With the Great Mother as the Ultimate Reality however, everything changes instantly. Insight in the true nature of the cosmic Vacuum can bring more clarity here. Everything returns continuously into Her, whereas it is born from Her at the same time. To die and to be born again prove to be two sides of the same coin.
The Mother as a refuge for our existential fear. Who could ever have thought it? Does it dawn on you, that if you surrender yourself to Her, your deepest obstacle to a happy and joyful life have been removed? That unexplainable inner tension; your addiction to prove yourself at all costs, the flashes of vague fear and the incapacity to live life fully, they are all related to it. To give yourself back to the Mother restores your confidence in existence. She is giving you a second chance, something your biological mother was never able to give you. To get your foundation back in your life is all but the greatest gift, that you can receive. Every reason not to be led astray anymore. The meaning of life becomes to live to, in and from your Celestial Mother.
She lets you taste all triumphs, which can be gained in this life. By losing yourself into Her, you continuously become born anew. With amazement you look at yourself and everything around you. Everything is continuously new, everything is the first step.To Her everyone without exception is Her "only born" Son or Daughter. She grants you the most precious that she possesses: Her Light Body. Instead of being damned here condemned to an existence of underdogs, She let you realize your Divine nature. You are king (queen) in Her name. Realizing which grace continuously is there for you, you will be touched deeply in your heart. A prayer spontaneously surges up in you: O, Great Mother, in all eternity giving birth to all-that-is, have mercy on me. Enlighten my spirit, let Your Love overflow my heart and give me strength to do Your work, to the benefit of everyone and everything. Alleluia!*
* "Alleluia" is older than Christianity. It supposedly comes from the time of the Great Mother. Hence, we use it for praise.
Just everything in me comes to a halt. The pendulum moves itself spontaneously towards a moment of reflection. Suddenly I get a notion of the world around me. I feel vulnerable. Isn't there a sky-high difference between my reality and the world? In everyday life it seems, there is no place for my considerations. There not the Mother rules, but the law of the jungle does. I therefore accuse. How godforsaken lonely one can feel oneself between people. Even friendships exist only as long as, that advantage can be taken from it. The Mother is not to blame for this. It is naive to on the one hand wanting to be "independent", while subsequently making the Ultimate responsible for your misfortune. No, I address myself exclusively to people only. That you are only objects to each other is; the "everyone for him/herself" and even no "God for us all anymore", isn't that not the all time low in your existence?
It is up to the "godless". Where does justice remain in this world? Must we firstly go through a terrible ordeal, before we will really learn? It seems so. Let the enlightened stand up and speak with one tongue, straight through all differences. If not, then only the Mother can bring relief: dying in Her Emptiness in order to become reborn. Looking at myself: why hesitating? Where is the courage to come to the fore? Has the virus of cynicism also infected me? Will I also sit out my time? It is I think just like with many others: the water hasn't simply risen high enough. As long as you can manage yourself, you don't bother about the other. O, mother what a misery! Who is going to bring help?
The Great Mother Herself is the Relief, the Fulfilment and the Salvation. She Who has revealed Herself in Her Totality to me. I praise Her to all Eternity. Her Essence is the Vacuum, the Cosmic Womb, the Bottomlessness from Which everything is born without exception, while returning to Her at the same time. After having erased my existence in a fraction of a second, I was incorporated in Her Divine Light Body (God). In order to subsequently be at the mercy of the horror of of the Great Darkness. This is called the Law of the Universe: the dynamic-cosmic balance of creation, permanence and destruction. Her Mystery had (has) thus become Reality. It is the beginning of new Era - the Era of the Mother - in which we are invited to return to our Origin.
How great is the joy to live in the Mother's security! She hasn't revealed Herself for nothing. In a time in which everything has disintegrated She is giving us a hold. In the confusion She has put in structure. Her law of Universum is a gift from heaven. At last people again have a guideline, a framework in which they can fit themselves in. Do you live in your addiction system or according to the Law of the Mother, that is the question here. First of all there is the painful notion of alienation. The more intensely you suffer from that, all the deeper your desire for wholeness. Not letting yourself soothe asleep by compromises, that's where it is all about. To let the fire fan in yourself. So that you one day will break up your chains and become aware.
The Mother delights Herself with you. Once awoken - something for which you yourself bear responsibility - She subsequently gives you more. Hardly to believe, that the only thing that prevents you from becoming exceedingly rich is your own incapacity to receive. You are poor, because you cannot cope with the wealth. You give preference to continue to twisting around in your own misère. Your own misery, that is at least known territory. And: how haven't we been manipulated all those centuries? To be at deepest yourSelf - realizing the Divine Spark in you - was considered to be blasphemous. We are the spiritual handicapped, the ignorant, the barbarians of the world, we who subsequently begrudged others the light in their eyes. Thus the slaves became slave drivers. How cruel that history is. Hence the longing for a new beginning.
Can we still adopt the attitude of being unknowing? To beg the Mother for guidance and good council? Do you acknowledge that you are in fact ignorant? O, how joy-full it is not to be forced to know. To permit yourself to be empty, receiving and amazed. What a lumber, stress and restlessness isn't falling off. "Tell me, for I don't know". The pressure of continuously having to produce makes us crazy. Pull out, don't join the rat race any longer. The time is on your side. We have had our peak. Turn on. Accept the wish of the Mother to get you back Home. Teresa of Avila did not mince her words. "Despise people" she said. And that as a catholic non. But she was right. You must free yourself of all those ties which keep you captive in the web of self-interest, cowardice and laziness; from all relations which are not based on love. This to prepare a new birth.
That separation of the spirits is temporary. The Mother needs a vanguard, a group of people who takes the lead. In fact she embraces everyone without exception. Someone who is ignorant, however has first of all walk the path of confrontation, before the eyes will open up. Another one can have no more time lost and must come to the fore. Eventually everyone is invited (again) to fitting in in Her web of life of "Heaven, earth and (new) community". Only if we are part of the Whole again, justice will be restored. A new obedience, one in which we voluntarily fit ourselves in in the "cosmic order" is the only thing that offers relief. By the way: we ourselves are responsible for if we want to learn from our suffering or not. People are not for nothing...equipped with a choice of their own. They themselves determine whether they turn themselves to "God" or that they turn away. With all consequences.
Therefore trust the Mother. She protects you against danger from within and without. Run as a child to Her and clamp yourself to Her. The more you become a child once again, all the stronger Her motherly love is aroused (...). Sri Ramakrishna is the great example here. In its "naive" surrender he continuously enjoyed "the joys of Her lap". Also Jesus said: "If you don't become like children, you will never enter the Kingdom of God". What is meant here? Children still have no ego, they are not yet identified with their self-image*. Their lack of self-centeredness makes, that they are spontaneous, direct and "selfless". In short they haven't been spoiled by their environment, yet. The example that is set here is to regain that "original state", to again become who we "really are". It is the invitation to step out from our addiction.
* Unfortunately this is an idealized picture that is painted here of children. Can't they very early be already quite self-centered? However, mostly the surroundings are responsible.
Remain therefore hungry and thirsty. Do care that you will not be guzzled by worldly abundance. If you have crammed yourself, yes then even the Mother cannot come in between anymore. Isn't that the aversion you feel to be forced being part of this culture? A system that continuously forces new e.g. totally unnecessary needs on us. Purposely driving people into addiction is immoral. Yet it is not the intention for you to on your turn wallow in your aversion. Seek therefore once and again the intimacy with the Mother. She grants you time on time the lightness of existence. Be open to Her Bottomlessness. I say to you: this is inexhaustible, Her wealth is indeed immense. It leads to gratitude to be allowed receiving so much. The notion to be supported is indestructible. The Great Mother is Nothingness that embraces all. How can they possibly take Nothingness from you? Whatever happens: the Mother is always with you.
I have said all this, because I cannot leave it. Having received so much as I did, then you can only let it overflow. The wealth of the Mother is larger than myself. Actually I don't know what to do with it. Still very few people want to receive it, after all. To be left with it is a terrible feeling. Hence, you indeed can shout it from the rooftops. Yes, the temptation "to play" the fool is sometimes quite big. In any case you then have the feeling that you have got your chance. The disadvantage is, that people don't take you seriously anymore. I doubt if that is the intention of the Mother. Thus, as long as it is still possible, I will try it the "normal" way. Joining in with the people also has its value. A feeling of solidarity, not letting them down. Accepting your own destiny is the only way. And I have the Mother finally. So don't nag.
Therefore be grateful to the Mother. Because of Her I have written all this. I could still endlessly - by the grace of Mother's inspiration - go on with it. The risk then is, that I continuously will repeat myself. Out of the abundance of the heart.....If it then still will get across? I fear not.You will probably become annoyed by it. That risk I do not want to take. The Cauldron of Abundance, once revealed to me is really the Source of existence. That spark I want dearly - despite my poor attempt - to be transmitted to you. If this happens yes or no, is a matter between you and the Mother. There I do not mix myself in. The privilege to share is enough to me. That is the function of being an instrument. It gives me everything that I need in this life. May it happen to you too. Praise the Mother. Amargi!
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