krijgt gestalte in het
To my friends in L.A.
You have tried so many things. Investigated all kinds of methods and techniques. You are a searcher. In a way you believe in technology, inner technology. How to achieve things is fascinating you. At first you were interested in achieving things in the outside world. Now you have focussed your attention on the inner dimension. Just like an explorer hopes to find his "treasure" at the end of his research, so your investigation is. The difference however is, that the scientist is interested in things, while you are searching yourself. Therefore in your enterprise you are the searcher and the searched. You are the starting point and the end, the alpha and the omega. Ambition is what is pushing you. Some time ago somebody, a book, has told you about "inner bliss", eternal life", "enlightenment", "life after death" or the "joy within". Although you weren't exactly miserable at that time, these things started to attract you more and more. The only problem was that you were "here" and the promised land somewhere "over there". Desire came in as a major driving force. Only the necessary tools were missing. Something suitable must be there to help you reach "the other shore". So you started trying. From yoga to Zen, from tarot to reincarnation, from "alpha-training" to astrology, from reading "the course of miracles"...At first all seemed fascinating. A paradise with endless possibilities opened itself to you. You identified yourself with slogans like "if you really want, you will get it", "anything is possible", "happiness is your birth right". Until you discover that at the end of your ambition there is only frustration...
Or you are a believer. Your greatest need is a support system. A certain kind of logic which gives you the necessary certainty in this world at drift. In this changing world there is nothing to go by. Nor can you find anything tangible inside of you. But there must be something else, something more in existence, otherwise everything would be pretty meaningless. Such a thought would be hardly bearable. It simply cannot be. So anything will do which can give you peace of mind. Which fills up the inner gap of meaninglessness, emptiness. Maybe at first you belonged to a major faith. You used to go to church and listen to the priest. Maybe one of the more recent philosophies is attracting you. The logic of reincarnation for example. So you started reading books. Once you involved yourself in the matter, all kinds of confirmations popped out. From all kinds of unexpected corners information and affirmations are coming to you. Suddenly not only you, but also your friends, neighbors and colleagues talk about it. You notice more and more columns in magazines writing about the matter. After a difficult time of disorientation a new sense of wholeness is dawning. Step by step the world seems to become more friendly (again). If so many people belief in it, then there must be some truth in it after all. You just ignore the split seconds of uneasiness which sometimes quite unexpectedly take possession of your mind. How worrying, under the surface things still do not go along with your newly found happiness. How can you can rid of these unwelcome and disturbing moments? All the old fears still seem to be there. Until you discover that everything is based on sand. You borrowed your certainty from others. At the end of your identification there only appears to be disappointment
Last but not least those will come to me who are searching for a personal relationship. You are a devotee. Surrender is your path of happiness. There were moments of surrender in your life, in which bliss entered your inner Being. You were sitting on the mountain watching the sunset and suddenly everything "dropped off". In a split second your old self had disappeared and a totally new sense of Reality took possession of you. Or once you were in love. Somebody to whom you felt tremendously attracted, somebody who made you crazy. You didn't care about yourself anymore, only he or she mattered. In this forgetfulness there were many moments of intense joy. You were so spontaneous, intuitive, playful and full of bliss. Or you used to care for a friend, a relative or a neighbor. Without any effort you did what was needed to be done. Day after day you looked after him or her, regardless your own priorities, desires or plans. Although you weren't particularly "altruistic" before, you simply took the new situation as it was. Never before you had so many moments of inner peace. However, all these above mentioned moments appeared to be situational. The situation was giving you these precious moments. For your transcendence you appear to be dependent on the outside world. Once on your own your familiar feelings of doubt, pain, boredom and desire immediate took possession of you again. Even the happy memories, the dreams are vanishing. At the end of your ecstasy there is only loneliness...
© 2000 Copyright by Han M. Stiekema. All rights reserved.